Winter Break 50%

Half way into break. What can I say, nothing much was accomplished. I started reading, Cradle to Cradle and I'm half way through. Watched a couple movies I've been meaning to watch and re-watch. In terms of break, winter break is my least favorite. The cold temperature really discourages me to skedaddle around as much and as freely as I want.

The last 4 days I spent it at home; was it nice to feel like an introverted hermit fixated on a screen for over 10 hours. Something that I haven't done in a while. I keep telling myself I'll be productive, but I never do, what can I do? :/

-David M.

Analog to Digital: Digtal to Analog

Despite being a digital person, working with digital related medias. I do on occasion work with my hands. I enjoy working with my hands, the analog aspect of crafting things definitely outweighs the feeling of creating within a digital realm. When things take a physical form I can't describe the feeling, I'm overwhelm by the feeling of creating.

This thought came up when I first learned how to develop black and white pictures. Despite the tedious nature of it, it was nice. It really helped pass the time. When I decided I should make images for people, there was a surge of happiness in making them. I can actually hand them in image that encapsulates a place, a time, a location. However, this moment exists because it is physically held. Oppose to a digital image, it exist somewhere, but not in your hands. Just knowing an individual would be happy that you're handing them something that actually exists makes me happy.

Just putting it out there.

-David M.

Luffy

Ummm...It might be weird to blog about an anime/manga character. One that is completely fictional and geared towards a younger crowd. Though, I digress I've been a One Piece fan from the beginning and I don't mind sounding a bit immature as I reflect upon the character.

Monkey D. Luffy is a pirate captain of his own crew, it's a small crew. After a publication cycle of 12+ years he's only acquired a crew of eight others to join him. It's a small group and you're able to invest a lot of your interest into each. As a captain he's not the brightest person, and because of his ability he is unable to function if he comes into direct contact with sea water, however he's a humble young captain. He never disappoints when it comes down to friends despite his carefree nature he values every member of his crew despite however great the peril; he'll be there. It's that characteristic that makes me feel like a kid inside, makes me want to root for the underdog. I know the nature of a person to be like that is quite naive, but throw logic out the window and you have a great friend.

I remember bits and parts of different arcs that led me to find him to be such a great character. In one of the fights he meets with another captain which he tells Luffy that he should be the strongest person in the crew and a captain should not rely on his men, however Luffy's ideal differ it's because of his inability to do certain things he relies on them and because of his ability they can rely on him. Not exactly verbatim, but that's the gist of it. I found that part to be really dear...it's because one has faults that they entrust others to better themselves and help guide them. I don't believe a lot of people are willing to do that and that's what I found to be must interesting, modesty.

Later on in the story a crew member leaves without a word, not telling the crew anything only because she felt that she would burden the rest of them and cause harm to those that she's finally found dear. Despite her motives being completely secret even to the readers, Luffy still pursues her, in order to get an answer and despite what she told them (which was a lie), he loses faith. However, when all is reveal he goes darting for her, makes the world his enemy and goes about the manner of tackling whatever obstacle that comes his way. I'm a bad summarizer, but that arc was also one of my favorites.

I've been thinking about this character quite a lot mainly due to the point in the current story, but also how I am as a friend. I know this type of friend is a bit naive to contrive, but I really wish I was a bit more like Luffy. The fact that he's present despite him being unknowing of how others think how complex things are, he brings it back to a simple point, "We're friends" that's all there is to it. Despite how rough thing get, how complicated things are going to be...the solid point to drive home is "We're friends" and no matter what I'm going to be there and I'll fight for you. Despite the interpretation of what fight means that's what a friend does. I wish I can be a little bit more like that.

-David M.

Fall 09: In A Nutshell [7/8]

One of the few habits I have kept since my time at UIC is to keep a log of my semester. I prefer to come them nutshells instead because is just a summary of experiences I had during the semester be it social or academic. Please mind the ambiguity as I write. :]

This semester has been the most drastic oppose to others I have experienced and hopefully ones I have yet to experience. Though each semester provided their own surprises and uniqueness to them, I would say this one sticks out like a sore thumb, be it good or bad I still can't draw a conclusion on that just yet and I probably won't.

Despite being the social bug I tend to be in most occasion I was never in a situation that involved drama; be it my own or others. I don't know why this semester despite it being the Fall it sure felt like it was Spring, never had I witness or be aware of raging hormones. As often I joke about it, it certainly it isn't as funny as it sounds. I hope people are able to find some sort of recourse. I didn't see any happy endings for anyone this semester. :/.

Academically, things are strange...as if nothing new was presented to me for the most part...well things were definitely different, but I definitely didn't have the drive in me as I did last year. I don't know why. Anyways, I'm going to recap each class...

Weight Lifting and Aerobics: Despite me being in Art and Design, these were probably two favorite classes this semester. Besides the fact I have to wake up super early to be in weightlifting by 8:00 am, and the exhaustive nature of aerobics these classes really were fun. Learning what I'm physically capable of and improving upon that, and seeing results from myself improving was definitely a bonus of this class.

Contemporary Art History: This was by far the worse Art History I have taken. I'm not a fan of art history, but I'm still able to siphon information from the class; it was impossible for this one. Despite Art History II being the previous title holder, this takes the cake with ease.

Analog Photography: I swore to myself I will never take another photography class in my life, this comes back and bites me in the ass; I've taken both photography classes. Though, I do enjoy the class mainly because the instructor was quite an interesting fellow. It seems photography instructors have really interesting traits, at least the ones I had and they were both visiting instructors.

Smart Art: I dislike physical computing, but this is a requirement. PD as a tool mad the class bearable however it was still a drag, despite spending a good 20 hours of nonstop work prior to the final, it was exhausting. Not my favorite thing to do, and I hope I don't have to deal with lights and ceilings in my professional career.

Independent Study (EV): I thought this was going to be my favorite class this semester as the concepts and practices cover in this class was what restored my drive in my focus. I guess it was the responsibility I decided to pick up in the class. The project definitely came out as a failure, all I have to say to myself is, architects aren't as responsive and well prepared as one would think, they are terrible at getting back to you.

All in all, I think this was a stressing semester, but I can't say that there weren't any good memories there definitely was plenty, enough to make it worth it. However, it definitely had me thinking a lot more, enough to keep me up at night. :/.

Despite how I like to self promote, I've always felt that I am a person that was capable of doing many things. I realize I'm no fixer; let alone an adequate solution to hold things together. Though, I think I'm a bit better prepared for future conflicts; hopefully. Too many things have happen and I'm still decompressing all of this.

-David M.

Thoughts #6: Some New Quotes

"It never hurts to try, but it does when you do."

"Stupid is when you figure it out."

"Not much can be said when not much is done."

-David M.

Repercussions

Life is a trial of many things. One can not choose to be cowardly and avoid punches that are already laid out for them. Run head first, get knocked down and see how long it takes you to recover. Being brave is hard. :/

-David M.

A Short: Tearing My Own Paper Heart

On my way to the A+A building, a funny thought occurred as I was walking. It was probably influences from the Mayer Hawthorne music video, "Just Ain't Gonna Work Out".

The scene goes as such, a young man is walking with a cut out of a heart constructed from red construction paper. He approaches the young woman shyly. He slowly and hesitantly hands her the paper heart. She slowly takes it from, and she holds it close. Her expression isn't so much joy, but a slight confusion. The young man is quiet, he then takes the heart back. With the heart in his hands he pulls at it, shredding it to confetti. He tosses it up in the air then walks away. The young woman is confused.

I don't know why I was thinking of that, it gave me a chuckle though.

-David M.

Thoughts #5: Significance of the Clown

I've been listening to a lot of oldies lately. The term clown is used quite often. The terminology of clown is much different than it was before. Today, clown is used to describe someone that is ignorant, a buffoon, someone that you laugh at.

Back in the day, the term seem like such a romantic idea. A clown is someone to put on a face, to make one smile. Even though her heart is somewhere else, when she's down. The clown appears to cheer her up. He makes her laugh at the expense of his own feelings. A sense of endearment, though it might seem misleading, mischievous, and probably dishonest; even though it was initially for good intentions. The clown is always shot down, in the end he is alone. That is the tragedy.

I've been thinking about clowns too much; it's not a phobia or a phillia.

-David M.

The Romantic

The Romantic

A small cell illuminated by a window.
Night framed in a cold wooden frame.
The stars are aligned, the moon is emptying.
A night painted for romance, but I am alone.

A small wooden radio plays on the shelf.
Old love songs echo in its empty chassis.
I never knew the tunes syncopated with my heart.
Heartbreak, loneliness resonated in my empty chassis.

A pen rests upon an empty page; a relationship inactive.
Imagination binds the two; the hand to draw the two.
Smiles are written, hands are held; experiences yet to exist.
Stories are fine. For me, stories are fine.

A single mattress with white sheets and pillow.
The only white in the room, the moon the only white in the sky.
Sleep is all I can do, dream is all I can do.
Love is only something to think about, love is only something to dream about.

The romantic…

Never forget who you are & your goals!

Today as I was prepping for my Independent Study class. I pulled my sketchbook out, one which I use for my coding notes. I tossed it on the desk, and the book propped open. There was a note written in it, "Never forget who you are & your goals!" I wonder who wrote it? Was it from a previous classmate or professor, no, it can't be? Was it some jerk at Blick's that thought it'll be nice to leave a friendly note in a sketchbook pre-purchase? I wonder who wrote it? Whoever wrote it, made my day. That rarely happens so early in the morning.



-David M.

The Switch

It has been off for a month now, why is everything still so dark?

-David M.

The Moon

I remember the night my feelings became clear; like the moon.
How long has it been? Since, I pointed out that I could see it.
Though, it wasn't as big as the night before, it's still as radiant.

Tonight the moon was full.

***Technically the full moon is tomorrow.

-David M.

Apparition of Bad Faith or Bad Coincidence

Lately I've questioned my "charm" with people. I'm glad people are open and happy with me. That's a part I really value about myself over everything else. Though, I don't know what makes me tick, it does lighten the mood for most people. I know I sound full of myself; if what I say makes any sound in here at all.

However, I've been questioning this ability I am able to wield. People I've been recently associated with more closely has been in moods I don't want them to be in. I feel like I'm the cause or catalyst of this. If not directly, I'm definitely bringing upon them some sort of misfortune; as I believe so. I was cycling past relations with people and I can see some link...maybe I'm thinking too much.

Perhaps, I walk into people's lives and they're just a foot away from a dismal fall that I've come too late to catch them. Is a shame I never have a clear idea what's going on, I'm always just trying to help; sometime helping isn't enough. I really wish I understood what made me tick, so, I can understand others.

-David M.

Thoughts #4

"Romance seems so lovely from the outside."

-David M.

One Liner: Record Analogy

"No one wants a broken record."

"If it has a beautiful song, i don't mind playing it till the grooves are completely gone."

-David M.

The Clown

The Clown - Roy Orbison

I was a clown when I thought I had found
a love for me and only me but she laughed at the clown
turned him down turned him down

I never frown ah, ah, ah, I'm the clown
for it breaks my heart I play the part of a clown
runnin round trouble bound I'm the clown

I wander all around wondering if you ever cared
I go from place to place, I look from face to face
hoping that you will be there

All over town the word is out It's all around
that I love her still guess I always will I'm the clown
runnin round trouble bound I'm the clown

Home

I remember back in high school, I tried to write a novel length story; though I've only went as far as probably six chapters. Lately I've been reminded of the story that still sits on my hard drive entitled, "Home". Maybe the feelings I had at the time are resurfacing, but the theme I tried to instill into the story was, "Home is where the heart is." Not to sound cliché, but my heart has been wandering outside for a long time.

In the story the protagonist lives in rather lively house, but sometimes desolate. No matter the occasion he still resides in his room. However, whenever the house is empty he walks across the house in the dark without any lights on; much like me. However, he runs away with a friend...this is as far as I got. However, on his trip he learns the meaning of a "home". It's quite cheesey...

Lately, I thought I found a place where I felt welcome at. However, I think I might have overstayed my welcome. Does my heart really want to go back outside. It was fine when a feeling of a home was never there to begin with. My heart was in some form of cyrogenic sleep.

The last couple of days I realized, "Some things you just can't go back to"

-David M.

You are an Idiot

"You are an idiot" it's a note I left for myself inside my laptop's post it note. People who have seen it, thought it was discouraging or that I'm not too fond of myself. I put it there as a reminder to myself, I'm foolish and I tend to overlook things. I guess it was a pretty reminder...I've been overlooking the message since my head is cluttered with other crap. Maybe I was just got too confident of myself, thinking I can't make a mistake.

Point is, that memo was there for a reason. It's not going anywhere.

"I'm an Idiot" quote me on that.

-David M.

Rain

On the way back, it wasn't raining hard. It was raining the right amount. The sparse but rapid rain, my favorite type of rain. I decided to walk home from the bus stop today, even though I saw my transfer bus.

-David M.

Recent Postings

The last couple days, my numbers of posting has increased drastically to previous months. I feel like this is some dark universe where I can toss my thoughts in and let them float. I like to say it, but it isn't necessary. I leave it here and no one will no of its existence. When you find it a couple days later these thoughts become irrelevant.

I said what I needed to say, and no one is here to hear it.

-David M.

Thoughts #3: Distances

"I take one step closer,
I am one step further from where I am before.
I need to know where I stand."

I feel like when I have good things in my life, they tend to break. Even though, I tell myself it's going to be different from before. You think I might have learned a couple things in the past, but I guess I haven't learned much at all.

This feeling of knowing more, seems to be creating a distance...I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

-David M.

One Less Mei

I found out last night that my Great Uncle passed away last night; my grandfather's younger brother. Before, you think it's some emotional drain thing I'm going through. I'm not, I've only met him once. Though, I'm probably going to write about him, in remembrance.

The only reason I remember him so well is because his resemblance to my grandfather was uncanny, their faces were the same. The only difference is, you can see the anger in his expression. For an old man, you knew he isn't someone you should mess with. My family claims that he's the most genuine Mei because he's the most ill tempered one there is.

I witnessed this first hand when I went to visit him 2 years ago. He was relentless even in front of his own daughter. They had an argument right in front of our family; the guest.

What struck me the most was, his paranoia. My father told me, he fought in wars back in China. My great uncle would tell my dad stories about how many Americans he killed. As old age came around, his paranoia grew. He would not visit doctors thinking the doctors are out to kill him, the government is out to get him. I heard from my mother he caused quite the scene in the hospital last year.

I think my dad was pretty close with him. I'm not sure. I'm curious how does my Great Aunt feels at the moment, three of her brothers have passed away.

-David M.

Oldies...

I wonder what it means when you're just listening to the Beatles and Roy Orbison for the last couple days?

-David M.

Thoughts #2

"You told me you'll drag me down.
I told you, you won't. I'll pull you up...

You're just a bit heavier than I expected."

-David M.

This One Star

Being in the city, you lack the luxury of the night sky. However, I always tend to see this one star in the sky. I wonder if it really is a star. Though, this one star seems to always be there on a "starry" night. One star in a lone sky...

I wonder if it is more majestic than just a big fish in a small pond.

-David M.

Conceptual

I AM NOT
NOR HAVE
I EVER BEEN
DAVID MEI

I was looking through a book on conceptual art. This was a written piece by Gregory Battcock.

-David M.

Untitled

The loud growl of the chainsaw.
A concrete pit that is six feet deep.
Enemies come before friends.

An inconvenience.

-David M.

Magic Tricks

At the moment I feel something along the lines of...

"I can pull rabbits out of my hat. Amuse you with cheap tricks.
Pull handkerchiefs from my heart. I can liven up the crowd.
When I'm done. I disappear, I leave the stage.

Find another crowd to amuse..."

-David M.

Thoughts #1

"365 days I've said, 'Good Morning.'
Not once have I said,'Good Night.'"

-David M.

I Sold My Soul to the Devil for Half the Price

"I Sold My Soul to the Devil for Half the Price"

This line I repeated to myself all of last semester probably till April. I didn't know what it meant to me, but it meant a lot. It made me feel like I shouldn't care as much, me caring isn't considered as much. Just recently the last couple of days...I feel like it's coming back to me.

I always thought being indifferent was the right thing to do, but being indifferent meant not doing anything. I know I haven't sold or castaway anything, yet. But I find myself standing at this edge in my life again.

Maybe it isn't worth as much to begin with, but it's quite the bargain. This is just jargon.

-David M.

Vapors

Normally, when I'm down or thinking too much I usually have violent thoughts of me being beaten down and dragged around. To me, it's always been some strange mental relief system. Instead of harming myself physically I take it out on myself in a controlled environment; similar to when people pound their head to a wall.

Recently, I've been having these thoughts of me just evaporating, turning into steam. I don't know what's worse. Me wanting to dissipate or when I use to think of myself being beaten...

Maybe these two conditions are different...I'm not sure. Maybe after the next two weeks, I can breath a little.

-David M.

1s and 0s

Sometimes I wish I was more of a machine than anything else. I can't help, but to think in this mindset more than usual because I'm taking 2 programming classes at the moment. I enjoy shades of great, but sometimes life would be simpler if it was just black and white; 1s and 0s.

A working regiment in where I can manage myself to be on task, on time. I don't know what I'm talking about, really. I like the metaphoric use of 1s and 0s. Maybe I'm just dabbing an idea for another piece of creative writing relating to that. I haven't written in a while. :(

-David M.

Warmup: The Semester Thus Far...

It's been a while since I've written here. A couple things I should pen down, but I'm going to do some warm up exercises. What better exercise than to write about school.

Weight Lifting: The class is somewhat easy compared to aerobics. She doesn't expect us to be raging testosterone loaded guys. Which allows me workout on a more comfortable manner. It doesn't mean I'm not pushing myself, I am; slowly. She's also an energetic instructor, so, it's not as dead as aerobics.

Independent Study (Electronic Visualization): The concept of EV was never interesting till I actually taken a course under Daniel. It was adventurous and new. It still is, but I haven't really found a drive for it this semester. I'm looking forward to pushing myself with this coming project, but the architects seems a bit unprepared.

Analog Photography: This class has taken a toll on me the most. I do work from the class every weekend. Shane is a cool fellow, he's out there, he works us like dogs. I can't understand how someone that seem so laid back could give out so much work.

Aerobics: Every time I step out of this class, I'm drenched in sweat. I think most of the benefits of working out is coming from this class. Even though she could be more energetic about teaching the class that would be great.

Contemporary Art History: Not one redeeming quality about the class. Should just bring a pillow in there, and call it a day.

Smart Art: Things are getting interesting, but it seems like the class has been dragging behind so much. I can't stay awake in there. Drew is a pretty nice professor, I wished the class was more engaging, but there are limitations.

-David M.

Summer Break

Last week of summer, is my only summer break. It ends up being rainy, I have a couple errands to run, a couple of days I have to be on campus, I hit the curb on my bike and skid my knees. Couldn't ask for a more enjoyable summer break. As said in, Last Life in the Universe, "this is bliss"

-David M.

Morningstar: The End

At first I felt a bit out of place working in the office, a bit too white collar for me. Like all things, they grow on me; I think I get sentimental over things a bit too easily. I ended up liking to work there. Despite sometimes the task seems a bit outrageous and even annoying, it really helped me out a lot in learning from errors and how to approach them. I still have such a long way to go. My work performance has actually led the team to not wanting to let me go; I'm glad I made that big of difference in their work flow. I would miss them, even if they do poke fun of me for missing them, I do.



The funniest thing about my last day would had been at around 2:30, I asked them for more work since I finished everything I was given for the last 3 days. They laughed so hard, and they joked about me staying overtime and working till 11:59 P.M. so, Friday can literally be my last day. In the end we had cupcakes, and I was off.

I'm glad that they would welcome me back with open arms, when I have the time. Morningstar is my fallback plan at the moment now.

-David M.

SIGGRAPH 2009 - New Orleans

The great thing about these professional conferences is the people you meet and the things be presented, but more so the people. However, at times it can be a bit depressing. A lot of people have a lot to show for themselves, and some have not. I'm in the lower bracket. Though, I felt I have gone a long way since last year, I'm wondering if I'm capable of breaking into the industry in say the next 5 years or so. I'm hoping this year I build up my portfolio/demo reel for next year's job fair.

Meeting David Chung from Morningstar kind of gave me the motivation for moving out West, he made it seem like it wasn't a huge transition; I hope not. I've always made a few possible networking possibilities in the West coast as well.

New Orleans is a great place to visit. Despite the muggy and bi-polar weather is a walking city, which I like about it. Is not too commercialized either, the scene is very local which I like a lot. Of course there is Bourbon street, rather you're a saint or a sinner you must have walked down there out of curiosity.

However, one thing I didn't like about the whole experience was one room mate, who was such a downer; he was the youngest of all of us. Even the oldest guy in the room was a child at heart. I see a bit of the old me in him, but I don't know how I changed so much in the last couple of years. I did however gave him a whole bunch of sarcastic criticism. I hope that helps.

-David M.

The Return

I come back and I have a ton of stuff to read. Compared to the last month or so, my feed has been bare. Felt like I missed a lot of news when I got back.

Post 101: Robots

I didn't realize I have written 100 post prior to this and now this is post 101; is almost binary and the subject of this post.

I think I brought this up before, either in person or have I blogged it once before. Anyways, today after a lunch at Millennium Park with the design team and the walk back to the office. My friend described me to the freelancer working with us as, "He's a robot with a heart." Is nice people recognize me as a nice guy, no matter what attitude I give them, one of the designers inserted, "a robot that is full of sass"; I think that is something to be proud of. Though, I'm commonly associated with some type of machine. I just find it...offsetting, for lack of a better word. Maybe, they see me work too hard.

I don't know, I'm always associated as some type of machine, is depressing. Then again robots can't be emo. Though, I'm glad I think my characteristics do translate through all groups of people. Like my friend Tony pointed out once, I'm a person without enemies.

I digress.

-David M.

Biking...

I love my Miyata 2-10; it even marks my date of birth.

My experience with my bike has been memorable as I...

-Brushed against a car in downtown traffic.
-Almost fell on a cop car trying to balance it, during Critical Mass
-Biking on a completely worn out pulley wheel.
-Getting completely soaked in the rain and hydroplaning in downtown traffic.
-Gotten a flat somehow.
-Dodging taxis downtown.
-Riding against the wind as it pushes me side to side.

All these experiences has been memorable, if not difficult at time.

As of Now...

I haven't really been blogging as much, as such. I would think summer would be a great opportunity to be witty and explore. However, it has hardly been the case. Working 9-5 has taken is toll. As much as I feel like a working professional at the end of the day, it seems kind of grim. Maybe, I'm just not use to it.

I do, do things on occasions on other days. Though, I feel like my life needs to be a lot more interesting, I don't know why, I'm happy with the ordinary. Though, some part of me looks for something just a bit more interesting.

Summer is winding down. I'm trying to close as much unfinished tasks I left open a couple weeks ago, and a couple summers ago. I keep finding new distractions and never coming back to old distractions. This is kind of depressing in a way.

Half-way through summer also, I haven't made much contact with much people. I don't know if is much of my responsibility as it is with others. I think I'm a very lazy person when it comes to keeping in touch, as I feel like I shouldn't make idle conversation from long distances; I've always preferred to make idle conversation within a 10 feet radius. Just a thought...at least this summer I have been spending more time with friends I made in college oppose to previous summer, so, that is some effort.

Communications has always baffled me...

-David M.

Interning...

So my life as an intern. In some sense I wouldn't put miserable as the word, but I feel like I much rather be doing nothing than oppose to working. I guess this is me becoming more responsible... I suppose. Though, it is nice to have people value my skill. As stated before my turn-a-around time for projects is impeccable and the people in the office are happy. Victor, one of the managers mentioned that the programmers would like for Victor to hire me, as he persuaded me to stay with Morningstar throughout the semester. I declined at the moment, hoping to do more collaborating work with the EVL as it is my last year at UIC; hopefully. Though, he did offer the possibility of freelancing.

My last day is the 14th of August.

-David M.

Summer...

Am I the only one that hasn't been too fond with the weather. I would much rather be sweating and complaining about the heat right about now. Instead is been pretty mild and sometimes a bit chilly. We've only turned the A/C on during that one week, throughout the course of summer.

Things has really been odd.

-David M.

What Have I've Been Doing...

Is been a while since I posted. One would think free time would lead to more posts...My only rebuttal, I've been busy.

The first month of summer really flew by. Without being too productive, I manage to dabble away my time; sadly. Though, I did started my internship finally, so, I'll jump right into that.

I just finished up my second week interning at Morningstar (no not the food thing), though, I'm not necessarily a design intern, I work more on making the sketches possible for the web. I mainly sit at a desk troubleshooting some code. Is either gut out a page and put in the new layout, or troubleshoot across browser; IE6 is a terrible browser. It hasn't been too exciting, but at least is fun. I can't believe I already know so many people working there before I started, I would say I knew 5 people when I started. My manager is a Korean lady (she's from UIC, a lot of people are from UIC), and I had a funny thought in my head, I realize most of my major related jobs, my higher up is Korean; James in the B.A.T cave. Maybe I should pick up the Korean language on my spare time.

Some reflection on my internship. I'm definitely not familiar with having a 9-5 job, is odd, and strangely unbefitting of me. I doubt I'll continue with them after summer if an extension was offered. Not to say, is a bad place, the people I work with a great, I just can't see myself doing this day in and day out (DIDO I realize is an acronym for that, and it does play some relevance). Though, a lot of the coding and troubleshooting will help me out with my coding side of academia, I can't see myself flourishing there in a way I want to.

Though, I think I've integrated quite well into the group. Though, I've been working diligently at my desk, it seems today I've been told by the team I work at quite a quick pace. I was actually asking for work after my lunch break today. The product manager joked about me being half machine, though the sad part is, this isn't the first time I've been told that. However, next week will prove to be a week where I'll be put to the test.

One thing about working 9-5 offers me, is the alertness. I've actually been more productive when I get home when I'm normally do. Even though by productivity I mean play games, and by that I mean I take into consideration the time I have left and how many days I work factored by how many weekends I have to myself definitely helped pushed me along. I clocked in efficient hours on my RPG.

Speaking of which, Persona 4 is a nice game. Though as corny and cliche some of the plot and characters could be, it offer some nice insight on people. The game revolves around a murder mystery where people are thrown into a TV and later on turns up dead. The protagonist tries to foil the murderer by saving people in the TV. However, the victims are confronted with their true self; their dark side. Instead of brandishing something as evil and bad, and must be dealt away with. The victims learn to accept their flaws, as by denying oneself of who they are, they will be thrown into peril. Yes, is cliche, but I like it, so, boo to you.

Saw Up on opening day. Great movie. Though, I didn't cry during the movie, I was really touched; they were getting there though. I'm always a sap for sentimental movies. Even though I didn't talk about it when it came out, I'm sure most people saw it and loved it. No need to expand.

I really don't know what more to talk about, but I'm getting a new bike tomorrow. Hopefully, I find one I like.

Ketchup! (Here's to cheesey titles)

So I haven't updated in quite a while...so I'll just give you a run down. I just thought I had an odd or eventful (whichever floats your boat) week; for a summer break at least.

5/11: Morningstar interview, after not hearing them for a week and a half I assume they probably overlooked me and I was prepared for a barren summer. I got to go in neck and tie attire to the interview. Wasn't able to show my working sites cause of weird wireless, and was not able to show them a solid web template.

5/12: Joyee's with AARCC/AAMP people. Random moments and conversations. Had to go home and get dressed for a CPS event; recognition for perfect attendance. All students with 8 years get a digital camera and a lucky few get a laptop via lottery. The lady next to me who apparently attended all of them cause her entire family got freaking perfect attendance (she has 4 kids mind you). She kept bragging... Me being a college student felt like I was the overgrown kid in the bunch. I don't think I'll attend any more of these; future note.

5/13: I got to dress down for a day. Thought the scheduled appointment for my grandmother at the Eye Clinic was today, turned out it wasn't. The lady just said Wednesday, I thought this Wednesday, turns out it was next Wednesday; comes back and bites me in the ass much later, wait it was today.

5/14: Follow up interview at Morningstar, with some other guy. He seem impressed, but also overly optimistic of me. I couldn't help the feeling of being a false paraiyah in there.

5/15: Had to dress up and go to City Hall and meet the mayor yet again. This time in the mayor's office. Got the tour of it from the man himself. I never knew why people see him as a bad man, as far as Chicago politics go, everyone should be skeptic. Though, I was genuinely sold on his idea of bettering CPS. Chicago has changed a lot because of him, though not a lot that is worth praising, but Chicago is definitely a lot further ahead then it was a couple years ago. His office is pretty awesome.

5/16: Biked around the neighborhood to UIC, through Chinatown and in my old neighborhood. Trying to break in my legs for an LSD trip the following day. Ran into an old friend, Steven. Convinced me to bike LSD with him; I'm too easily swayed. We ended up getting to the end of the trail, hungry, cold, and tired. We found a Greek place where we grabbed a hot dog to refuel ourselves only to take the Red Line back to Chinatown. That day I biked 21 miles.

5/17: Planned LSD trip. Met up with Rachel, biked all the way to North Ave. As I explained to her, I did the whole route and I would probably kill myself if we did the whole dam thing. We didn't, thank god. Hung out at the beach, ran into my cousin Julie as we got there. On the way back I can feel my ass in pain from the terrible seat and my legs getting worn. Though, we made it back. On my way home, I ran into Annie Mei, an old acquaintance of the family. I ran into a couple Meis that day, haha. Distance biked 14 miles.

5/18: Went bike shopping with my friend, Anna. Had a long discussion of CPS on the drive as we went looking around for bikes. I'm no bike expert, and I didn't felt like pressuring her into getting anything way over her head, we settled for a reasonably price cruiser for $85. It was hell to get in and out of the car. Lent my bike to Danny to bike to x-sport, he couldn't even make it through 5 blocks on that bike; sometimes I think I might just be a bit more tolerable than most.

5/19: Bike down to campus to do some work at the B.A.T cave, a bit down to have not heard back from Morningstar, and I was planning on just coming into the EVL to do some work. Talked with James and it seem like there are quite a bit of neat projects that I can get myself involved in. James apparently is doing stuff for the Planetarium and another group in EVL is doing a disaster scenario simulator for some organization to prep high school students. Was building up excitement for that. Distance biked 4 miles.

5/20: Woke up at 7 to prep for the AAMP picnic event just so I would have my part complete, before having to take my grandma to the Eye Institute. What I thought would be an simple eye exam (1 hour and half) turned to a 3 hour ordeal cause they kept doing further exams because she apparently has pigmentosis or something like that, forgot the name. Was not able to make it to the picnic being slightly late, but being completely late. Though, it didn't end when I got there. Anyways, it was still fun despite half the crowd. All I have to say is, "So long seniors, may the real world treat you kindly."

I had some more specific thoughts to put down, but over the course of the day it drowned out.

-David M.

5 Years

Today, I had a strange dream. I decided to leave without telling anyone and I come back 5 years later. People were not happy...I guess they have every reason not to be happy.

-David M

Starting Point

I can feel a lot of the negative energy (I won't deny the fact I've been extremely emo this last semester) just flushing out of me the last couple of days. Maybe, it was just all the pressure that was pressed on me that I didn't had anything to push back on that got me more flustered than normal.

However, these last few days have been pretty much enjoyable. Even, though I didn't get anything done at this point, I'm still happy that I can just sit and enjoy the passing of time and dreading it. Even though, a lot of things are still not in my favor, I'm not worrying about it.

Though, somewhere in the back of my head something terribly wrong is going to happen somewhere in the coming weeks, is none of my concern at the moment.

-David M.

End of Spring 09: A Quarter Left

Is a seasonal thing...I end the semester with a note; recollections.

Grab some pop corn if you're actually going to read this.

Class Summaries:
AD307 Electronic Visualization II: 305 was an awesome class and Daniel is an awesome professor; should take his class if you're in A+D, but if you don't like coding this isn't your piece of cake. The class discusses information aesthetics and I think it is a topic worth exploring. Wish there were more active participant in the class, would had made the class more interesting.

AD309 Advanced Topics in Modeling and Animation: If there were only more time to work on projects oppose to tutorials the class would had seem like less of a hell. Sabrina still needs to up her enthusiasm in the class. She doesn't have the most captivating voice. Though, I would say I learned a lot in the class, just not how to be productive in that class.

AD230 Painting: I did not know painting was such an expensive (and toxic) hobby. I knew it was time consuming, but that's about it. Other then the heckle of the over-hyper TA didn't make the class all that enjoyable. I did like building stretchers, but the class took too much time, more than required. However, on a side note, Julia is the sweetest old lady I've met.

AH236 History of Design: The same old routine, a long Friday morning of hearing Robin speak super fast. Though, a lot didn't stick compare to last semester. After she left for maternity leave over Spring Break the guest professor (don't even know her name), did even less so to captivate the class. I know the TA still suck too. The class seemed so crunched on time when it came to exams compared with last semester.

COMM 140: Communications in Media: Have I ever hated a class so much? Maybe MUS 107. The class seem redundant and remedial in the way that the people in class regurgitated the information. Things in the media I'm already aware of. It wasn't a stimulating class for me, being in there just made me want to get out. I hate it when people think things that come out of their mouth are the smartest thing they've said; it isn't.

So, I'll begin here.

This semester was probably the hardest semester I had to deal with. A lot of things didn't really go my way, and what more can I say, "things happen." Though, during the semester I come to judge the quality of a lot of characteristics of people, though in the end I spent the last couple weeks judging the validity of characteristics. I'm not better than the next person, and that's exactly what made this semester, so, hard. I wish I was able to juggle a couple obstacles that were presented this semester more effectively, but I didn't. When I tell some people that I'm just having a hard time, their response would be, "You're David Mei" as if I'm some what extraordinary; in the end I'm nothing special. I found myself making a lot of compromises this semester, mainly on projects and maybe my own leisure time. Sorry, if I might seem dodgey about what I'm talking about, I just am about certain topics.

A certain fear I have when I meet people is how is a good thing. Not to sound emo, but good things in my life usually turn sour pretty quick, or at least I somehow slip up. Maybe, I'm not much of a people person. Makes me wonder why I try; maybe I just want to learn and stop making the same mistake with people. I think I was able to append old relations with people, but along the way I think I broke a few this semester.

Though, one of the greatest thing I learned about myself this semester is that I set up certain boundaries in places I made mistakes in. Recently I realize it was all a psychological thing, and I've been holding myself back in some silly childish fear. As of now, I think I'm going to make it my goal to crush existing borders I placed on myself. I must admit I'm still hesitant and restrain from doing so. I've been telling myself the last couple days that I have to GET OVER MYSELF. I'm my own biggest obstacle and I'm just being stupid holding myself back.

Overall, I think there were a couple great instances throughout the semester that reminded me that there are people and things that I can still look forward to, despite simultaneous events that were going on. I am always thankful for the people that has made me smile, laugh, and felt welcomed. The last couple years had made me realized there is much others can do for you, and I can do for them. I'm still learning to reciprocate by my own means. This is still all a learning process, I'm bound to mess up along the way.

All in all, I hit more walls then I had ever hit in one semester. It wasn't the best semester, I'll admit it was a pretty shitty semester; shittiest one to date. It had is highlighting moments and I'm extremely grateful for that, but still this semester was very hard to get through. I compromised a lot and I'm not happy with a lot of end results (ie projects). Hopefully, next semester will be something to look forward to.

Speaking of which, I'm 3/4 complete with my time at UIC and I've grown quite attached with everyone. The last 3 years has definitely been the most enjoyable part of my life, and I hope the coming years would be enjoyable as well. I hope beyond this following year that I am able to maintain these relations I made. I've been so bad at keeping in touch with people, I'm a bit fearful about it. Not as fearful as I am of the real world however.

Thanks for reading,

-David M.

For Lack of a Better Title: "BAH!"

I know I should be slaving away on my computer and I had no intentions of writing anything new till the end of this week, but I'm thinking this is note worthy. Other than the last 2 days slaving inside the AA building with little interaction with the outside world, I only got "SO MUCH" done. Though, I think I've set up the foundation for a quicker pipeline; lets hope so.

The last couple of days felt like Spring, which made the days a little easier to bear. Though, it still doesn't stop the firing of a thousand ideas.

Lately, I felt like I've been stuck in a rut, not because of just one thing, but the accumulation of many other little problems becoming the megazord of all conscious thoughts. Luckily, they haven't manifested themselves into some strange dream that will only lead me to more confusion. Maybe after all this, I can look forward to a strange dream.

Today, as I was working, I didn't know if it was frustration or excitement that I was feeling as I was clicking away on my computer, I think it was a good mixture between the two, as there was drastic pushing and pulling from each end.

As I thought, all this clutter calls for a lunch break. Who would have known coincidence would work in such a strange way; god always want to slap you in the face when you least expect it. What I was hoping to be a lunch where I sit and think of methods, and techniques of approaching my project. I was stuck thinking of "feelings", as I was eating. I guess I would not elaborate anymore about this.

Got back to the lab, and working on the project seem to have been working in my favor. I got a lot of things the was being funky to work. Though, at the end of the day I only manage to get 20 seconds of footage into the render farm. I hope they turn out alright.

As I was leaving, the Spring wind and the fragrance in the air made me realized I sacrificed a nice Spring day on my laptop.

As I was waiting at the bus stop, I saw my cousin-in-law Ken making deliveries on campus. I stopped to talk to him, as he was offering me a ride home, the bus approaches. I asked him to drive me down to Taylor, so, I won't disrupt his deliveries. As I got out, the bus was approaching, and I was on the street, the bus driver pointed me to go wait for the bus on the corner. I got on, and got a lecture, but the driver was probably the nicest driver I had encounter. She was chatting with the passengers as they got on. I guess, that was nice to see on my way home.

Anyways, sleep deprecation will probably start tonight. I hope I'm conscious as I meet el mayor tomorrow.

-David M.

Target: Easter

I was planning to go to the local Target (The one on Roosevelt) today to get some a tube of Neosporin for a cut that I got from my xacto on Tuesday; I know is a bit late. Also, some fabric glue for my dad. When I entered the parking lot, I found the lot to be desolate. It seem almost apocalyptic, even though society was still functioning outside. The empty second floor lot made it seem like scene from a Fast and Furious or Transporter film; I wished I had a camera on me, it was a rare sight. Other cars, entered the lot only to be confused.

The bigger question is, Why is Target closed on Easter!?

-David M.

Odd Dreams...

Last night I had a dream, it was bit odd. No, it was not a strange as my normal dream, does that make it more odd than previous dreams?

Regardless of such, I had a dream about someone I haven't consciously thought about, or at least I would like to think about it that way. Though, it wasn't anything noteworthy, it was still a good dream. It was just a conversation, though parts of the dialogue has become extremely vague at this point; it was still reminiscent of something familiar (Yes, I'm being vague here for a reason too). It was pleasant however, that rarely happens.

Though, there was a strange flip in channels afterwards. I ended up being in a room handcuffed to someone in a room with 6 other people cuffed in pairs, and one person watching over us. Turns out it was a zombie scenario, and when the siren went off the people cuffed somehow broke free, and I stayed behind. No relevance either, but probably should be mentioned as well.

I wonder what will I dream about tonight?

-David M.

Memo:...

I don't know who reads this now. Though, I'm aware my last few posts have little of interest to do anything, and mainly more or less some negative thoughts I've been harboring in my mind. If you're reading, I guess the most I can say I'm thankful, you care to read at least, if not a little. I do apologize, if it is a side of me you're not use to associating me with.

Though, little by little I find the words I have to say today loses its relevance by the next day or so. I still need to get my thoughts out somewhere, somehow. This blog is an odd therapy, but I'm aware people will read this. I'm aware perceptions of me will changed.

Just saying...

-David M.

Friday: A Case of Strange Happenings

Upon returning yesterday, besides the overall poor reception of the new history of design, the day was a bit off; in all kinds of way.

I found yesterday's arrival on campus to be a strange a return. Though, I've only been gone for 2 days it felt like I have not been present for a while. The "welcoming", was also strange (for lack of a better word for welcoming and the word strange). I felt strangely disconnected from a lot of people yesterday; odd to say I was hoping to find better footing on my last post, but it feels like I've completely fallen of the horse. A few people that knew asked, "How are you?" stimulated a strange after thought, how am I? Of course I'm still fine, but the tonality of it seems detached. Everything seems detached. Strings are cut, to say the least. I wonder if Monday, is going to be any different?

After all my classes, the campus seems emptied, and barren. I took my trip to the Home Depot to get a 2x4 to build my stretchers for painting. On the way down on Roosevelt , I saw a blind lady arguing with a homeless man (the one's that peddle by the expressway); the blind lady actually instigated the argument. It was strange to see a blind person argue. Though, I did not pick up the start of the conversation, I heard the argument arose. The lady was crossing the street with her dog, the homeless man telling her to move a little to the right, the lady stopped to tell the homeless man, "mind your own business and let my dog do its job." She stood in the middle of the expressway arguing with the man, as the light turned red. I watched to see if she made it across the street.

After I dug through a bunch of 2x4s with promising fronts, but rotted backings I found one; not the best, but it'll do. On my way back to campus carrying 7' 1/2 long 2x4 I saw the blind lady coming back in my direction, the homeless man was no longer at his post.

I spent the last hour and a half working on building the stretcher only to be done with the frames; Monday, is going to be another work day.

EDIT: On the way home on the bus, I was looking out the window, I noticed some girl with terrible make-up that from far away it looks like she's wearing sunglasses with the polarized shades. Up close, it was just make up.

As I got home, my friend Teng decided to fix up his old yellow bike. I told him of a bike shop Nik mentioned to me a while back; I might as well check it out. We were off to Nearly New Bikes.

Taking the scenic route on Halsted we slowly made our way up north. [Edit]As we passed Harrison at UIC, we saw a group of people enjoying live role playing with padded swords and all. [/EDIT] On the way up north, we saw a man on his horse and carriage traveling south in front of the northern project building. Strange, no?

In the course of waiting for the guys to finish changing his tires, the guys at bike shops were pretty good and friendly. The guy Jim, seems like a very hard worker and a great father, as he was telling us stories of his kids when he was working on the bike. They had good taste in music, as I walked in I heard Todd Rundren's, Hello Its Me playing in the shop as I lightly sung the chorus; one of my favorite songs.

By the time we got back (around 8), we decided to take his bike out for a spin, I went to grab my bike and we took my short route around. The center point of the route was Ping Tom Park, and by the time we reached the end of the park, I was telling him stories about my little biking trips. I told him how one time I was biking through the end of the park, and circling back, there was a couple that was making out, and how awkward it was to circle around them just to get back.

Making back to the other side of the park, which is the playground I normally circle through there when there aren't kids around. As I came around the corner, I see two people on the slide making out; speak of the devil. When we got out of the park we just laughed about it. NOTE THIS PART if you're reading.

As we came to the end of the route, Teng gets a call to see Fast and Furious, and so we put away the bikes, and waited at the gas station. The hypothetical 4 minutes turned out to have been much longer. While, at the gas station the owner son's was making fun of Teng; it killed some time.

When Henry finally arrived, we got the reason for the delay. He was dropping off Phil's girl. [RECALL THE NOTE] Henry was angry at Phil for making us late, and even more so for not telling him where he was to pick him up. He waited 15 minutes after agreeing to drop off his girl in front of his house. Only to call him to found out he was in Ping Tom. Guess who Phil saw at Ping Tom? Teng and I. So, those dam teenagers was Phil and whoever that was. We were laughing at what a small world it was. Henry was mad that we were late.

Fast and Furious was probably the worse of the franchise, not to say the franchise was the best to begin with. I was expecting as much, as everyone would be revving their cars and driving fast shortly after. Heck, two cars were dragging when we were gassing up.

Friday, was a strange day...

-David M.

The Funeral...

The Wake and the Service occurred during the events of the last two days. As abrupt as the date was chosen for the wake and the service, was abrupt as the events in itself. Coordination was poor, and again I question my criticality on people. As the wake started at 2PM yesterday, a couple tears shed in the family and we sat down. Waiting for visitors, they were far between.

A few things (and I'll just keep it to a few), My mom and my aunts have no idea on what to do during a funeral. The bratty granddaughter still a brat during the whole event; is it so hard to not run around the whole funeral home when your grandfather is dead?

Today, during the service I have never seen so much chaos in organizing as I did today. My aunts didn't know exactly what they were doing, so did my mother. Organizing the service to happen around 9-11, and having a luncheon around 4:30? Traditionally, from what I learned today, is you give a red envelope to those who attended to the service during the meal following...however the meal was a good 4 hours between the service, and by that time they would have eaten or gotten on with the rest of the day. On the way back from the service, there was also a lack of directions given to the people attending. Apparently, people were suppose to stop by the home, but a lot of people did not know where to go.

Evidence being, one person would say something, and another would say something else. Confusion pursues...I know such an event usually consists of a lot of silence, but in the end there was nothing, but noise. I would describe my mother and aunts as being a bunch of headless chickens, because they were wandering aimlessly. I was not the only one that was frustrated with the arrangements, all the in-laws were too.

Over the course of the last two days, I have been reviewing actions of certain members of the family (mainly my generation), and they seem to not have put much thought into the magnitude of such a day. Maybe, I have been to hard on myself, and on others I really don't know.

This closes another chapter in my life, I hope that I can find a better footing in my own life now.

-David M.

The Dead Stay Dead, The Living Stay Living

After roughly 3 months, my grandfather finally kicked the bucket at roughly 7:30 tonight. At this point, I really don't know what to think. All this bottled frustration, anger, and a little bit of anxiety went somewhere when I received the phone call.

However, the linger thought of antagonizing this whole situation has left a strange after taste. Am I just an ass to them throughout this whole process? At one time I confine a lot of my energy to my mother side, strangely because my father's side was more critical of me. Over the years (or even just one), I became over critically of them, and that energy went sour; maybe I still bear some ill feelings towards them. I still harbor some of these feelings, even when my grandfather was sitting in the nursing home, they still find the appetite to play mahjong; which I still consider the reason they overlooked countless diagnosis. When, I arrived at the nursing home to see him off, they tried to lighten the mood, by suggesting on buying lotto ticket. Greed, is their vice, I really can't fathom their want for money.

However, I did not expect one of my cousin to cry or at least tear; I presumed from looking at her eyes. Also, the little brat of the cousin even pulled my grandma to the side, probably to say something to comfort her. All, I did was stood there and probably looked like I was antagonizing this situation.

Well, what has happened has happened, and those that are still here need to learn from this in some way or the other. I however, feel that I haven't done much in this situation, I probably came out a worse person after this.

-David M.

Spring Break: Sum It Up

I would be lying if I didn't had fun during break, but lets just say they were instances, oppose to something more solid or continual. I did had some R&R days, but I spent most of break being "productive", though being productive doesn't necessarily mean you'll be where you want to be.

Friday: History of Design canceled, went to school to paint; could not get into it. After my communications class, I wandered. Ended up being recorded for a "You're watching WTTW Chicago, Channel 11!" I forgot what those things are called (is at the tip of my tongue). Continued wandering, only to meet acquaintances of a friend; they were interesting to say the least. Got home, played Resident Evil with some friends till late.

Saturday: Beated Resident Evil; had to get it out of the way. Ended Spring Break there (kind of).

Sunday: Starting on work, started on tutorials for my 3D modeling class. Wish she just gave us time to work on our final project instead; guess it wasn't her style. Richard stopped by, productivity ended. At least I manage to finish the tutorial. Did not get to reading up on tutorials on facebook API.

Monday: Went to renew license, I liked my new picture it looks normal to say the least; Carla thinks I look like a stoner, or at least someone that is up to new good. Dislike the new cards. Afterwards, pissed away $30 bucks on painting materials. Spent 4 hours painting. Actually, got a lot of work done (I guess walking away from projects and coming back to it does help). Spent the evening playing with Vinh on Resident Evil for the remainder of the night, actually throughout the week we played Resident Evil from 10-1.

Tuesday: Semi-break, Semi-work. Headed towards the MCA to see Buckminster Fuller exhibit, amongst other exhibits; killed two birds with one stone. Went to lunch shortly after at a Hot Dog place, was ok. Friends find Design friends to be interesting; glad that they weren't stereotypical art kids or hipsters. Went back on campus with the assistance of Brandon and Rachel recorded my motion data. Now James can stop bugging me about it. Afterwards, stop by AARCC to brainstorm ideas for AARCC/AAMP drama with Brandon and Rachel. Don't know if it was productive or not. Hopefully, a script will be written and some footage shot. Here's to hoping.

Wednesday: Back to painting. Started at 10. Aaron and Ramon were present, discovered Phoenix through the painting session; new albums added to iPod. Took a short lunch break, seems Aaron and Ramon has dreams about each other that are basketball related. Onions in gyro seem to be really strong, felt dehydrated afterwards, throat pain followed the next day. They left at 4; quitters. I was close completion, decided to finish. I actually finished; joy ensued.

Thursday: Went to the lake around 9 with Teng, did some jogging; jogging well half awake is a bit hard. Started on working on my male character which I started; mainly touch up work. Started on the ear, and fixing details. Shortly, into the afternoon Teng and Simon stopped by. Later, Wayne then Danny. A little childhood friends reunion occurred. At 4:30 made way down to Art Institute, Teng and Simon decided to come along. Teng had to make it a guy thing and started counting girls he found attractive. My response, "..."

Friday: Finished a lot of details for my first character. Not satisfied at point of progress. Was planning to model out all characters and redo the scene. Only one character complete at this point; well sort of. Watched Slumdog Millionaire in the evening later on. Half-way in I get a phone call from the nurse at the nursing home, my grandfather is declining; could be any day now, any day has been the term for the last 3 months going on 4.

Saturday: Working on 3D modeling stuff. Went to see grandfather, seems like he's about to go. Will he?

Sunday: Started to update my scene file. Nurse calls again, telling me my grandfather is "changing". I guess the urgency of this whole situation is about to come into fruition.

I don't know what to say about this Spring Break. It had is moment, it has been the most productive one to say the least. No matter, how much work I put in can't expect miracles to happen. Will my grandfather go this week? I wrote that he was about to go 2 weeks ago, but he seem to recovered, but now he's back in the same situation...

Four more weeks, I wonder how this will all end. March was a bad month. I'm not looking for April.

-David M.

The Time Is Nearing...

So, I guess is about time. Seems, like my grandfather is about to go, or so the nurse explained to me as I went to visit him today. He has definitely thinned down to what he use to be. You can see it through the muscles around his eyes, I'm wondering if the reddening is where a vessel popped. I guess, this is something that can't be avoided. I was assuming it was going to be a longer process, but who's to say a quarter year is not long. I guess, my prediction of March being a shitty month is true; what can I say I'm clairvoyant.

As I was there again in the evening. I still feel a great indifference in this matter. As a couple of my aunts were crying, I couldn't really feel any sort of sadness for them. Though, the only sad thought that cross my mind was when my grandmother started crying. I can only imagine when the day comes, she will be by herself, I think that is the only sad situation in that matter. I really can't imagine being sad when the day comes, more of a scenario of paying my respects.

I do not know why a couple of my cousins are afraid of getting near him, a dying person. I told them, is just a person, and I was dragged right next to him shortly after, and she told me, "you do it." All I said, "I did, when my grandfather died, there isn't a difference now." and I sat there. Not much to it, I did not say anything to him; didn't have anything to say. Did not had anything to say to my paternal grandfather either at the time. I do not see the fear in being by someone that was dying.

I guess the saying, "Any day now." Has some weight to them.

-David M.

A Full 8 Bus at 8 P.M.

I painted for roughly 5 hours today, I left the building around 7:30-7:35, the guy that usually paints when I'm painting bid me farewell, though I didn't know him; he was in another class. Looking at the frame of the canvas, I found out his last name was Ferrari; interesting name.

I got to bus stop around 7:45. Not a bus in sight. Pacing back and forth, backwards and forwards at the bus stop. Slight hums, to keep the environment a bit lively. The streets are sparse, the people heading north was quite a crowd; were they a group? or they 8 hasn't cross yet. Someone else joined me; both minding our own business. Time was traveling slow as well.

A group heading north decided to whistle for taxi, though they passed as they saw the northbound 8 coming.

8:00. The 8 is on the horizon. Usually, the bus sits at the Harrison stop for a few minutes before continuing the route. It briskly made its way across the street. I was surprised. The bus, was not filled, to the brim, but the seats were filled, and standees were coming up to the Chicago Card device. I wonder why there was so many people on the 8 at 8 on a Saturday (sorry, the 8 combo broke).

Nothing, really interesting happened there after, though a small observation I noticed on the bus was, a man that got on who was a bit "off", to say the least; did not recall where he got on. For starters, I assumed he did not pay the fare as he got on, as one of the passengers told him the driver is calling for you, and shortly after he put some coins in the slot. I moved towards the back, but did not take a seat, he quickly saw an open spot and went towards the back seat. The three people were talking behind me, not mind them much. I was too busy staring at a grown man playing Pokemon Fire Red on his DS. Shortly, after the man sat down apparently he was looking at the girl's shoes, he asked, "Where did you get those sneakers? they're nice." The girl responded, and all I heard was downtown. The bus stops, and some passengers got off, a row of seats were empty, he moves towards that row. Another woman approaches the exit. He juts his head out of the row and is looking down. I noticed, there was a tattoo of stars on her foot, was that what he was looking at? He recedes back to his seats, and juts his head out again. The action confirms his interests in the tattooed foot. Did this man had a foot fetish? I assumed he did.

Shortly, after I arrived on 26th, and like routine I walked home. Filling my head with a fictional narrative, as I walked the lit streets of Bridgeport. Sometimes, an imagination is what keeps a walk enjoyable.

-David M.

10 pm, Can the Day Get Any Worse?

I guess this is part 2 of my wonderful day (not going to justify it with italics or quotations). My dad gets back, I tell him about the flat. He gets mad that I drove on flat saying I'll probably ruin the axle. We go out to change the spare.

As we were changing the spare, the shitty jack made it almost impossible to raise the car, but we did, eventually. During that process, as my dad had it about yay high, the strong winds blew the car and all our efforts went in vain. Asking my mom to call my cousin (the useless one) to see if he had an extra jack; since he's in to cars he might have a better one than the stock. During the process we finished changing the tire before he even got to us. So, he stood around and watch. A couple minutes later, a couple of undercover cops comes up behind him, and asking him question. I was a bit startled at first cause I didn't see their vest at first. Then I knew what the gig was.

Back Story [Start]
A couple years back he was caught with possession of ecstasy pills.
Back Story [End]

I guess, they still keep tabs on you after an altercation like that. In the back of my mind, I was hoping he didn't had anything on him; not that I really care what he does, but I wasn't planning on going down to the police station tonight either, so he better not have anything on him; fortunately he didn't.

The scene in which they arrived at wasn't the best scene to look at either. A group of Asians outside (My dad, my brother, my neighbor, and me) changing a tire, could have easily been seen as a big misunderstanding. Luckily, they didn't give us too much sass, but they were some arrogant cops. Given this whole week of, "I hate the police" talk I had with a couple friends this week. I'm starting to feel the same.

Also, on a minor note, I found a dent on the frame on top of the left tire; pissed about that too. Never ever getting a new car, too much worries about dents and scratches.

All I know is things are only going to get worse before it gets better All I have to say is I'm probably going to be in the red zone before, I go back to green.

-David M.

Fuck March, Fuck My Life

When given lemons, you make lemonade. What do you do with shit? Nothing! Is bad enough to have my grandfather in a nursing home. I have to drive the family back forth every day. No point in my cousin coming back from China, cause he's occasionally available. He's either out shopping or hanging out, given that he doesn't have a job and the only other person that can drive he's not manning up for it. Though this has been an ongoing issue is besides the point.

March has started off pretty shitty, not gonna talk about why, but I haven't had a good day in March since. Deadlines, school on the weekend, staying late for more than 3 consecutive days, even though I should be home by 6, so, I can drive them to and fro cause my cousin is no where to be found, the need to study for my history of design midterm that I have yet to start yet; test on Friday. The only nice thing I have to say is the weather hasn't been half bad. Just my luck, I get a flat going over a fucking pothole for what cause I have to pick up my family. I don't see any urgency to see my grandfather everyday, I have work to get done, I have my own life to get on with. I don't know about them, but I need to spend my hours being productive. As soon as I arrive at the nursing home, I get a call from my aunt telling me my grandfather has a fever and I should come up, my response, I have a fucking flat, you come down, I don't have time for this. Yes, I knew what I said was irresponsible, immature, but what else is there to say? The nurses will know he has a fever, they'll deal with it, is not like I can go up there and make things better. If I can make things better, I would have a long time ago. I'm no super man, I don't know if the way I've been acting could even be deemed as being "man". I'm sick of this, I'm sick of a lot shit lately. I'm going back to being temperamental, I'm not looking forward to this dive I'm going to take, but I'm probably going there.

-David M.

On the Way Home

I left ADH today roughly around 7:30. As I was crossing the Harrison blue line stop, I see the 8 going off. Usually, it annoys me that I missed the bus, but with weather like this is hard to be annoyed. As I finally, reached the stop I see the bus breaching the horizon; see life's not so bad. Before you think the post goes downwards from here, it doesn't.

I got on the bus, and first thing I noticed is probably the most well dressed bloke I've seen in a while. It was so unreal I even have to look where I was putting in my uPass (is second nature to me). The man was probably in his late 50s, dressed in a nice stripped suit and a fedora to boot (it had feathers on the side), a wide red tie with a golden tie clip on a chain. The way his posture was, it seem like he was a mannequin, he was real; I decided to sit next to the man to observe him more closely. It was eerie, his eyes did not glance away from the window at all. Think the reason, I was interested was the fact that it seem so out of place, to say the least. He would seldomly do the gesture that one would do after a prayer (I don't know what that gesture is called) as he looks at his reflection. I think that made the bus ride more interesting.

As the bus was strolling along I realize Gourmet Clothing is no longer in business, at least from the assumption that THERE was nothing in there. I guess the economy is getting worse.

The bus moves towards University Village, the bus comes to a halt as someone is getting off. I see a couple sitting at the bus stop bench. They get up and hug, I assume one of them is going to get on the bus. Then the hug, becomes a kiss; things seemed emotional. The bus continues moving, they're oblivious; maybe their intention wasn't to get on the bus in the first place. Why would you sit at the bus stop if you weren't getting on the bus? That was the only line of thought I had.

I arrived at Halsted Orange line station, luckily the 44 was there. I got on the bus, the bus driver was being extremely friendly to the lady getting on before me. I didn't hear what they were saying as I had my earphones on. The bus got moving shortly after, probably because it was running late, 3 passengers on the bus. Heading east on Archer the streets seemed quiet and distance; a dystopia as a friend would describe my neighbor hood. The viaducts beneath the trains seems like a gate to a much grittier place. We swing onto 26th. I see the other 44 bus turning; suspicions corrected. The drivers greeted each other with a wave, our driver was more than enthusiastic. I reached my destination, the driver said, "Have a good night." I replied with,"Have a good one,"

The voice of the post changed completely. I wonder why? Anyways, I haven't been this observant on the way home for a while. It was kind of fun, for lack of a better word.

***Wished I took the bike out for a "walk" today, but would have probably been hit due to the time of day.

-David M.

The World at Large Seems so Small

I don't know if this quote exists, but this thought was what I was tinkering with all day.

I don't know why things come so well to me after a nice hot shower, but these were the lines I was playing with.

"The world seems so small, when you're able to see it at large." (or "as a whole"(?)).

I'm glad it came out the way it did.

Also, another quote I coined yesterday in class was,
"Never act upon something that has already been performed."

This one might need some tinkering as well.

-David M.

"Take Out His Eyes"

For the last couple weeks, I've been having strange sequences of images/dreams. Mostly involving my left eye. I don't know why, it's taken me so long to come up here to write about it, but I feel like now that I have the time, I should. The sequence goes, as such, I'm being held down as someone comes forward and plucks out my left eye.

Though, the eye isn't the only type of graphical image I see playing in my mind. I feel, I don't know what exactly what I'm feeling. Though, I have the same sequence play, but instead of removal of the eye, is removal of a wooden mask, I'm too lazy to sketch out from memory. Though, I was sketching eyes the last week, it almost carried a humanistic trait as I drew the nerve. The eye is looking at the nerve, like its own hand; self-realization.

I know is dumb that I consulted these graphic meanings with a dream dictionary, but it seems like it revolves around a couple of things.

Eyes - To dream that your eyes are injured or closed, suggests your refusal to see the truth about something or the avoidance of intimacy. You may be expressing feelings of hurt, pain or sympathy.

The left eye is symbolic of the moon, while the right eye represents the sun.

Masks: To dream that you are wearing a mask, signifies temporary trouble due to some misunderstanding and misinterpretation of your actions and conduct. Alternatively, you may be pretending to be someone you are not. Or you are trying to hide your true feelings. If you have trouble taking off your mask, then it suggests that your true self is lost or blurred.


Avoidance, refusal to see, misunderstanding, self-identification?

I don't know. Am I really avoiding something? Is there something I'm not wanting to see? I think I've been dealing with the issue of misunderstanding long before these repetitive sleep patterns and day dream images. Self-identification, am I really who I am, I for one believe I'm a person with nothing to hide, so, I wonder why am I seeing myself in a mask?

Hmmmm...I guess I have to sit on it, at best sleep it off.

-David M.

Jury Duty

Today was my first instance of performing civil duty; it sucked. After watching the "How to be a Juror" video, it was already 10. All I did with my free time was reading Free Culture, I must admit it's probably the first scholarly book I read. I went through half the book in the assembly room. 11:15, nothing happened. They told us we can get lunch, the canteen was on the first lower level, and all that was, was some over price vending machines.

After returning, I notice the guard sorting checks, I assume we can go; it's too good to be true isn't it? Shortly after the announcement from the receptionist telling use that the only case of today was canceled and were free to go after receiving our checks. My first time a juror, nothing happened. I was kind of happy and disappointed at the same time. I've been too dam busy to worry about jury duty, and I would have been happier painting oppose to sitting in on a trial. Though, I've always been optimistic of my first instance of civil duty, guess they just clashed at the wrong point.

-David M.

Mr. Abdullah

As I logged on to facebook yesterday, I found out some bad news. Not heart-wrenching, but still a melancholic reality. Mr. Abdullah has passed, I heard earlier in the month he was diagnose with cancer; which kind I don't know. Former students wanted to set a fund in his honor, or at least wanted to donate to his behalf. I never quite follow the pursuits of that. What struck me the most was his age, he was probably no older or younger than my dad.

Though, Mr. Abdullah might not have been the greatest teacher, I can't say I learn much in terms of academics, particularly social sciences from him. He was still a man that spurred many questions, though as cliche as that could sound, he got me thinking. I often questioned his credentials as a teacher, he was still loved by the student body.

I still remember my freshmen year, when KCP was still an experiment (I guess it still is). I had him first period, and one of the first few to refer to me as Mr. Mei; don't know why I commended much respect. In other words, news of this has struck me quite oddly. I was hoping for him to teach till he was old and senile (a word I learned from him.)

This month has involved a lot of giving and taking. I find it how things crash with each other so often, coincidentally. I guess that's how life works, one day your up, next day your down. (I wonder what song was that from?)

-David M.

It's Been A While

I think this week has been a week that tested my work ethics to its limit. Luckily, I can say I passed. Though, is not time for any R&R this week either. Seems like things are just stipulating to a higher point. This is going to be interesting cause all I see myself doing from now and the last week of school is sitting in front of a monitor and sitting in the paint studio. I'm probably not going to be anywhere in between, so, often or frequent. I guess this is what 18 hours can do to you.

This following week I might even be juror depending on if I'm called upon or not, but as of now I'm a stand-by juror (isn't that exciting?). Kind of sucks that I might possibly have to do jury duty in a pretty hectic point in my life, what can I say? Life is only interesting when you're on your toes.

Though, I probably haven't talked about it in a while and reason being is I haven't seen my grandfather for about 2 weeks now. Currently, he's in a nursing home. My grandma visits him everyday. Though, I doubt he's going anywhere soon, my mom's side of the family is completely on edge. Though, they probably don't know any better either. Still the whole politics of it is just strange for lack of a better word. I find it odd that they finally decide to act like adults when someone is dying, yet they still seem a bit childish to me. Maybe I'm just being cynical or just uncaring about this entire matter, but there isn't anything to worry about, yet.

-David M.

Huh? What's Going On?

I've always gone on working binges here and there, and is never a real problem. They usually last 3 days at most. This is officially the longest I've spent on a work binge (meaning I spend more than 5 hours outside of class focusing on school work). You would think working on school work would keep you focus, but I think my train of thought has derailed. I'm sitting on the bus thinking about dots and lines, and how to connect them and make them interesting, or should I have went with a triangle instead? a quad perhaps? do I know how to use the polygon script? Er!

I just spent my whole evening rigging a skeleton for a character, and it works about 90% right, at least it is a global model, so, it has it's benefits.

All in all I'm losing track of time, date, words, and information. My phone connection is messed up at home, and I can careless about that at the moment. I think I'm distraught, off topic. Though, I can't really relax till Friday, I was planning to finish my work by today, but that didn't happened.

The only benefit of being on a work binge is I fall asleep a lot easier.

-David M.

Mo-Cap

Today, was a rather interesting thing. I was going to talk to my professor as I saw him outside of the hall, and got blind-sided by my other professor. Though, it wasn't a bad thing at all. Apparently, there is a work-study position for undergrad student to work in the B.A.T. Cave in other words the Mo-Cap studio, I was ecstatic, though I couldn't give her an answer right away. I was thinking about circumstances that I'm in right now, and if I really have the time? Though, I'm thinking I'm going to take it after much thought, not a lot of people use the mo-cap area till probably the end of the semester, and it gives me a nice quite place to work at, and is probably going to be an awesome work experience. Why not? Hopefully, nothing too drastic happens.

A Strange Thought

Last night before I fell asleep I had the strangest thought. What if I was just a florist that sold flowers on the street? (I do not know why that thought occurred). So, I'm a traveling florist selling withered flowers, while wearing a straw hat and a lit cigarette on a metal ashtray as it was a piece of incense. I would stand under a shady area as people walked by bewildered as to why I'm even there. I don't know it was a strange thought. I think I might try to make something more of this premise.

-David M.

21

Yes, I stepped on a huge milestone without much effort besides, eating and sleeping to get to where I am today. Is my birthday, and as I was told the day prior; I shouldn't be mopey, and so no mopey post today.

As far as 21st birthdays go, mine was pretty sober; not like I was planning to get shit faced today anyways. Though, today a lot of good sentiments were felt, and for that I'm truly happy about; though I didn't received any brownies today which would had been awesome given I was hungry around 11-2.

It was a world shattering birthday given I turned 21, with records high for February 10th.

However, I wouldn't call it my birthday till I listen to my favorite birthday song which is pretty mopey, but I've always make it a point to listen to it every birthday for the last 4 years.

Without further adieu, Jay Chou's cover of "Wish Me a Happy Birthday",



Lyrics
I know being sad cannot change anything
So
Let me be a bit honest
Honest
And there isn't any uncontrollable lead offs
As long as you close your door
You need not take notice of anyone

Sitting in the empty box in a theatre by myself
Mobile
Let it rest for a night
Difficult
Want to cut off the frame of memories
The tears cannot fall after 12 O'clock

Happy Birthday
I say to myself
The candle is lit
Loneliness is cold
Happy Birthday
The tears have also melted
I have to thank everything you gave and took away
Still love you
With a bit of hatred
Still need time
To balance
The scar of passionate love
The frames are reborn
I have to thank you
Wish me happy birthday

-David M

A New Threshold

Referencing back to the Jørgen Leth piece, the Perfect Human. I think the line the resonated with me the most is the line, "Today, too, I experienced something I hope to understand in a few days." I guess the last couple of days I think I understand this experience just a little bit. Maybe not entirely, but I think I learn to assess this situation a lot better. A lot calmer than the last couple weeks I would say. That's about it. It doesn't seem like is going to change the out cause.

Regardless, the last couple of days I just reflect a lot about my behavior. More or less my temper/emotions. As a kid I use to be temperamental the slightest nuisances would have set me off (this was probably up until age 5). I remember getting into two physical altercation as a kid over something that was probably stupid. Over the course of the last 16 years, I "blew up" probably 3 to 4 times in between. Which, is probably a much different face people are use to seeing. Shortly, afterwards I find these people distant from me. Which, has always led me to find a calmer center and a higher tolerance for things. I just don't ever want to lose my temper in front of other's again, not with the people I know now. I realize is a "human" thing, but sometimes venting isn't always the best venue.

I think the next couple days will be more "normal" if I have to describe it, but more or less right now, I think I have a working formula. Mainly due to the weather.

Sometimes I don't think my post makes much sense, but it makes sense to me.

-David M.

Cranky

Apparently, people say I've been a lot crankier/angrier in my tone of voice lately. I didn't know it was that obvious.

-David M.

Things Break

I've been placing much thoughts on the things that have been happening around me lately. Lately, the things that have been breaking. On Tuesday, the day my grandfather was admitted, the Korean drum attachment Jeungyoung gave me broke on the bus, and I lost all the pieces, I realized that when I entered the AA building. My desktop has been giving in a lot lately this week also. Something, else broke over the weekend, but I can't quite remember at the moment, but it wasn't as big. However, today was the probably the crippler factor, as I plug in my AC adapter, it shorted. Meaning, I can't work on my class work for the next 2-3 days. Luckily I manage to get the work done before hand, but it doesn't help. Is almost a bit poetic/symbolic the way things are going now.

So for the past week I've been debating about a lot of things on my mind. Simply, it's too clutter even for my own liking. As I learned today Asians like hoarding, me personally I don't like to bring garbage in, but I guess I like hoarding crap in my head; mainly a guilty conscious. My mind always takes notes of every little sentence I say, every gesture I do, and points out the negative with such scrutiny I have become shy to these thoughts. Today, I decided to clear up thoughts that have been cluttering my head for the longest time, so, only a few tackling issue will stay a float in my head as it is necessary with what is going on right now. It is a bit nerve racking to have thoughts held back for a long time, and finally decide to face them. Plus, I feel like my character, who I am as an individual is breaking to be blunt about it, and before I even lose touch with that part of myself, I feel like I need to make resolves.

I know, I'm not the one who is dying. Though, I feel like (as narcissistic as this could sound) I play normally play the protagonist in my life; maybe I'm secretly the antagonist and I don't even know it. I feel as of late I've been having very antagonizing thoughts. I don't know...it feels bad, odd, is out of my skin; perhaps it is my true colors. Though, it could be a way of cooping or dealing with what's at hand. Regardless, I don't like how I am feeling at the moment. Yet, at the same time I don't think it'll be easy going back. However, like a protagonist (being a comic geek) most people break only to rebuild themselves to be stronger people, better people; they become the actual protagonist. In my short life of living, I've been broken down at least 3 times (nothing of note, but I fallen down a couple times) and in those moments I managed to become a better person out of those experiences ala the one you all love and know now, ta-da. However, I feel like the events of late has broken me down a lot more than I normally have, and I'm tired of challenges. To be honest, I think I have gotten a lot to look forward to within the last year than I had my entire life, and I'm kind of scared to see in the end of this certain event what will I become out this. Right now, I'm not making much sense, probably wondering what I'm meandering about. I have not gotten crazy yet, though a lot of notable artists and authors had mental breakdowns in their college days; I'm not going to have that, so don't worry.

I'm seeing this as another sequence in which I'm going to grow out of as a different person. Hopefully, a better one.

On the note of antagonizing thoughts, I was never close to my grandparents. I've been recollecting. I known both of my grandparents, my paternal one showed much love to my cousin Eva, she was his favorite and as of now she still trying to grasp that lost and I feel a bit sorry for her. My maternal grandfather however, is a crazy nationalist, and he see us ABCs as nothing, but naive, and ignorant people compare to the Chinese. However, right now his Chinese grandchildren can't do jack shit for him, and I find that to be a strange karma. So, as of now I don't feel anything for him as he lays there probably scared out of his mind. Though, I am terrified at the thought that I can be so careless at the same time. Is it ok not to feel anything about someone that is dying in the family. I can think of what my family is going through and it hurts a little, but I don't think I'm going to cry (not because I'm manly either) is because I was never attached to my grandfather. Lately, I've been criticizing the family on the way they have been handling this situation, and I've been thinking I'm just being the antagonist here. I'm antagonizing myself.

-David M.

The Perfect Human

A classmate posted these on our class blog as one of his inspiration of the final project to come. I'm just simply taken away by this short film as well.





Something about the narrator's voice...I can't put my finger on it.

A Dying Breed

Today, was the day the anonymous email will be answered. Surely, the answer was quick and to the point. Due to budget constraints the school of Art and Design has come to the conclusion of cutting the Electronic Visualization program to maintain function. If when push comes to shove, but either way is looking that way. They've already gotten rid of the Design Anthropology major. It comes as no surprise as EV is probably the smallest major in the school.

Though, one thing is for certain. I'm not screwed. The EV program has been suspended, not ended. All those that are currently in EV will graduate with a degree for EV. The thing is, how to maintain function of classes given the size of the remaining students, so, classes won't be canceled.

-David M.