Lately I've questioned my "charm" with people. I'm glad people are open and happy with me. That's a part I really value about myself over everything else. Though, I don't know what makes me tick, it does lighten the mood for most people. I know I sound full of myself; if what I say makes any sound in here at all.
However, I've been questioning this ability I am able to wield. People I've been recently associated with more closely has been in moods I don't want them to be in. I feel like I'm the cause or catalyst of this. If not directly, I'm definitely bringing upon them some sort of misfortune; as I believe so. I was cycling past relations with people and I can see some link...maybe I'm thinking too much.
Perhaps, I walk into people's lives and they're just a foot away from a dismal fall that I've come too late to catch them. Is a shame I never have a clear idea what's going on, I'm always just trying to help; sometime helping isn't enough. I really wish I understood what made me tick, so, I can understand others.
-David M.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
One Liner: Record Analogy
"No one wants a broken record."
"If it has a beautiful song, i don't mind playing it till the grooves are completely gone."
-David M.
"If it has a beautiful song, i don't mind playing it till the grooves are completely gone."
-David M.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The Clown
The Clown - Roy Orbison
I was a clown when I thought I had found
a love for me and only me but she laughed at the clown
turned him down turned him down
I never frown ah, ah, ah, I'm the clown
for it breaks my heart I play the part of a clown
runnin round trouble bound I'm the clown
I wander all around wondering if you ever cared
I go from place to place, I look from face to face
hoping that you will be there
All over town the word is out It's all around
that I love her still guess I always will I'm the clown
runnin round trouble bound I'm the clown
Home
I remember back in high school, I tried to write a novel length story; though I've only went as far as probably six chapters. Lately I've been reminded of the story that still sits on my hard drive entitled, "Home". Maybe the feelings I had at the time are resurfacing, but the theme I tried to instill into the story was, "Home is where the heart is." Not to sound cliché, but my heart has been wandering outside for a long time.
In the story the protagonist lives in rather lively house, but sometimes desolate. No matter the occasion he still resides in his room. However, whenever the house is empty he walks across the house in the dark without any lights on; much like me. However, he runs away with a friend...this is as far as I got. However, on his trip he learns the meaning of a "home". It's quite cheesey...
Lately, I thought I found a place where I felt welcome at. However, I think I might have overstayed my welcome. Does my heart really want to go back outside. It was fine when a feeling of a home was never there to begin with. My heart was in some form of cyrogenic sleep.
The last couple of days I realized, "Some things you just can't go back to"
-David M.
In the story the protagonist lives in rather lively house, but sometimes desolate. No matter the occasion he still resides in his room. However, whenever the house is empty he walks across the house in the dark without any lights on; much like me. However, he runs away with a friend...this is as far as I got. However, on his trip he learns the meaning of a "home". It's quite cheesey...
Lately, I thought I found a place where I felt welcome at. However, I think I might have overstayed my welcome. Does my heart really want to go back outside. It was fine when a feeling of a home was never there to begin with. My heart was in some form of cyrogenic sleep.
The last couple of days I realized, "Some things you just can't go back to"
-David M.
You are an Idiot
"You are an idiot" it's a note I left for myself inside my laptop's post it note. People who have seen it, thought it was discouraging or that I'm not too fond of myself. I put it there as a reminder to myself, I'm foolish and I tend to overlook things. I guess it was a pretty reminder...I've been overlooking the message since my head is cluttered with other crap. Maybe I was just got too confident of myself, thinking I can't make a mistake.
Point is, that memo was there for a reason. It's not going anywhere.
"I'm an Idiot" quote me on that.
-David M.
Point is, that memo was there for a reason. It's not going anywhere.
"I'm an Idiot" quote me on that.
-David M.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Rain
On the way back, it wasn't raining hard. It was raining the right amount. The sparse but rapid rain, my favorite type of rain. I decided to walk home from the bus stop today, even though I saw my transfer bus.
-David M.
-David M.
Recent Postings
The last couple days, my numbers of posting has increased drastically to previous months. I feel like this is some dark universe where I can toss my thoughts in and let them float. I like to say it, but it isn't necessary. I leave it here and no one will no of its existence. When you find it a couple days later these thoughts become irrelevant.
I said what I needed to say, and no one is here to hear it.
-David M.
I said what I needed to say, and no one is here to hear it.
-David M.
Thoughts #3: Distances
"I take one step closer,
I am one step further from where I am before.
I need to know where I stand."
I feel like when I have good things in my life, they tend to break. Even though, I tell myself it's going to be different from before. You think I might have learned a couple things in the past, but I guess I haven't learned much at all.
This feeling of knowing more, seems to be creating a distance...I don't know. Maybe it's just me.
-David M.
I am one step further from where I am before.
I need to know where I stand."
I feel like when I have good things in my life, they tend to break. Even though, I tell myself it's going to be different from before. You think I might have learned a couple things in the past, but I guess I haven't learned much at all.
This feeling of knowing more, seems to be creating a distance...I don't know. Maybe it's just me.
-David M.
One Less Mei
I found out last night that my Great Uncle passed away last night; my grandfather's younger brother. Before, you think it's some emotional drain thing I'm going through. I'm not, I've only met him once. Though, I'm probably going to write about him, in remembrance.
The only reason I remember him so well is because his resemblance to my grandfather was uncanny, their faces were the same. The only difference is, you can see the anger in his expression. For an old man, you knew he isn't someone you should mess with. My family claims that he's the most genuine Mei because he's the most ill tempered one there is.
I witnessed this first hand when I went to visit him 2 years ago. He was relentless even in front of his own daughter. They had an argument right in front of our family; the guest.
What struck me the most was, his paranoia. My father told me, he fought in wars back in China. My great uncle would tell my dad stories about how many Americans he killed. As old age came around, his paranoia grew. He would not visit doctors thinking the doctors are out to kill him, the government is out to get him. I heard from my mother he caused quite the scene in the hospital last year.
I think my dad was pretty close with him. I'm not sure. I'm curious how does my Great Aunt feels at the moment, three of her brothers have passed away.
-David M.
The only reason I remember him so well is because his resemblance to my grandfather was uncanny, their faces were the same. The only difference is, you can see the anger in his expression. For an old man, you knew he isn't someone you should mess with. My family claims that he's the most genuine Mei because he's the most ill tempered one there is.
I witnessed this first hand when I went to visit him 2 years ago. He was relentless even in front of his own daughter. They had an argument right in front of our family; the guest.
What struck me the most was, his paranoia. My father told me, he fought in wars back in China. My great uncle would tell my dad stories about how many Americans he killed. As old age came around, his paranoia grew. He would not visit doctors thinking the doctors are out to kill him, the government is out to get him. I heard from my mother he caused quite the scene in the hospital last year.
I think my dad was pretty close with him. I'm not sure. I'm curious how does my Great Aunt feels at the moment, three of her brothers have passed away.
-David M.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Oldies...
I wonder what it means when you're just listening to the Beatles and Roy Orbison for the last couple days?
-David M.
-David M.
Thoughts #2
"You told me you'll drag me down.
I told you, you won't. I'll pull you up...
You're just a bit heavier than I expected."
-David M.
I told you, you won't. I'll pull you up...
You're just a bit heavier than I expected."
-David M.
This One Star
Being in the city, you lack the luxury of the night sky. However, I always tend to see this one star in the sky. I wonder if it really is a star. Though, this one star seems to always be there on a "starry" night. One star in a lone sky...
I wonder if it is more majestic than just a big fish in a small pond.
-David M.
I wonder if it is more majestic than just a big fish in a small pond.
-David M.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Conceptual
I AM NOT
NOR HAVE
I EVER BEEN
DAVID MEI
I was looking through a book on conceptual art. This was a written piece by Gregory Battcock.
-David M.
-David M.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Untitled
The loud growl of the chainsaw.
A concrete pit that is six feet deep.
Enemies come before friends.
An inconvenience.
-David M.
A concrete pit that is six feet deep.
Enemies come before friends.
An inconvenience.
-David M.
Magic Tricks
At the moment I feel something along the lines of...
"I can pull rabbits out of my hat. Amuse you with cheap tricks.
Pull handkerchiefs from my heart. I can liven up the crowd.
When I'm done. I disappear, I leave the stage.
Find another crowd to amuse..."
-David M.
"I can pull rabbits out of my hat. Amuse you with cheap tricks.
Pull handkerchiefs from my heart. I can liven up the crowd.
When I'm done. I disappear, I leave the stage.
Find another crowd to amuse..."
-David M.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I Sold My Soul to the Devil for Half the Price
"I Sold My Soul to the Devil for Half the Price"
This line I repeated to myself all of last semester probably till April. I didn't know what it meant to me, but it meant a lot. It made me feel like I shouldn't care as much, me caring isn't considered as much. Just recently the last couple of days...I feel like it's coming back to me.
I always thought being indifferent was the right thing to do, but being indifferent meant not doing anything. I know I haven't sold or castaway anything, yet. But I find myself standing at this edge in my life again.
Maybe it isn't worth as much to begin with, but it's quite the bargain. This is just jargon.
-David M.
This line I repeated to myself all of last semester probably till April. I didn't know what it meant to me, but it meant a lot. It made me feel like I shouldn't care as much, me caring isn't considered as much. Just recently the last couple of days...I feel like it's coming back to me.
I always thought being indifferent was the right thing to do, but being indifferent meant not doing anything. I know I haven't sold or castaway anything, yet. But I find myself standing at this edge in my life again.
Maybe it isn't worth as much to begin with, but it's quite the bargain. This is just jargon.
-David M.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Vapors
Normally, when I'm down or thinking too much I usually have violent thoughts of me being beaten down and dragged around. To me, it's always been some strange mental relief system. Instead of harming myself physically I take it out on myself in a controlled environment; similar to when people pound their head to a wall.
Recently, I've been having these thoughts of me just evaporating, turning into steam. I don't know what's worse. Me wanting to dissipate or when I use to think of myself being beaten...
Maybe these two conditions are different...I'm not sure. Maybe after the next two weeks, I can breath a little.
-David M.
Recently, I've been having these thoughts of me just evaporating, turning into steam. I don't know what's worse. Me wanting to dissipate or when I use to think of myself being beaten...
Maybe these two conditions are different...I'm not sure. Maybe after the next two weeks, I can breath a little.
-David M.
1s and 0s
Sometimes I wish I was more of a machine than anything else. I can't help, but to think in this mindset more than usual because I'm taking 2 programming classes at the moment. I enjoy shades of great, but sometimes life would be simpler if it was just black and white; 1s and 0s.
A working regiment in where I can manage myself to be on task, on time. I don't know what I'm talking about, really. I like the metaphoric use of 1s and 0s. Maybe I'm just dabbing an idea for another piece of creative writing relating to that. I haven't written in a while. :(
-David M.
A working regiment in where I can manage myself to be on task, on time. I don't know what I'm talking about, really. I like the metaphoric use of 1s and 0s. Maybe I'm just dabbing an idea for another piece of creative writing relating to that. I haven't written in a while. :(
-David M.
Warmup: The Semester Thus Far...
It's been a while since I've written here. A couple things I should pen down, but I'm going to do some warm up exercises. What better exercise than to write about school.
Weight Lifting: The class is somewhat easy compared to aerobics. She doesn't expect us to be raging testosterone loaded guys. Which allows me workout on a more comfortable manner. It doesn't mean I'm not pushing myself, I am; slowly. She's also an energetic instructor, so, it's not as dead as aerobics.
Independent Study (Electronic Visualization): The concept of EV was never interesting till I actually taken a course under Daniel. It was adventurous and new. It still is, but I haven't really found a drive for it this semester. I'm looking forward to pushing myself with this coming project, but the architects seems a bit unprepared.
Analog Photography: This class has taken a toll on me the most. I do work from the class every weekend. Shane is a cool fellow, he's out there, he works us like dogs. I can't understand how someone that seem so laid back could give out so much work.
Aerobics: Every time I step out of this class, I'm drenched in sweat. I think most of the benefits of working out is coming from this class. Even though she could be more energetic about teaching the class that would be great.
Contemporary Art History: Not one redeeming quality about the class. Should just bring a pillow in there, and call it a day.
Smart Art: Things are getting interesting, but it seems like the class has been dragging behind so much. I can't stay awake in there. Drew is a pretty nice professor, I wished the class was more engaging, but there are limitations.
-David M.
Weight Lifting: The class is somewhat easy compared to aerobics. She doesn't expect us to be raging testosterone loaded guys. Which allows me workout on a more comfortable manner. It doesn't mean I'm not pushing myself, I am; slowly. She's also an energetic instructor, so, it's not as dead as aerobics.
Independent Study (Electronic Visualization): The concept of EV was never interesting till I actually taken a course under Daniel. It was adventurous and new. It still is, but I haven't really found a drive for it this semester. I'm looking forward to pushing myself with this coming project, but the architects seems a bit unprepared.
Analog Photography: This class has taken a toll on me the most. I do work from the class every weekend. Shane is a cool fellow, he's out there, he works us like dogs. I can't understand how someone that seem so laid back could give out so much work.
Aerobics: Every time I step out of this class, I'm drenched in sweat. I think most of the benefits of working out is coming from this class. Even though she could be more energetic about teaching the class that would be great.
Contemporary Art History: Not one redeeming quality about the class. Should just bring a pillow in there, and call it a day.
Smart Art: Things are getting interesting, but it seems like the class has been dragging behind so much. I can't stay awake in there. Drew is a pretty nice professor, I wished the class was more engaging, but there are limitations.
-David M.
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