One Less Mei

I found out last night that my Great Uncle passed away last night; my grandfather's younger brother. Before, you think it's some emotional drain thing I'm going through. I'm not, I've only met him once. Though, I'm probably going to write about him, in remembrance.

The only reason I remember him so well is because his resemblance to my grandfather was uncanny, their faces were the same. The only difference is, you can see the anger in his expression. For an old man, you knew he isn't someone you should mess with. My family claims that he's the most genuine Mei because he's the most ill tempered one there is.

I witnessed this first hand when I went to visit him 2 years ago. He was relentless even in front of his own daughter. They had an argument right in front of our family; the guest.

What struck me the most was, his paranoia. My father told me, he fought in wars back in China. My great uncle would tell my dad stories about how many Americans he killed. As old age came around, his paranoia grew. He would not visit doctors thinking the doctors are out to kill him, the government is out to get him. I heard from my mother he caused quite the scene in the hospital last year.

I think my dad was pretty close with him. I'm not sure. I'm curious how does my Great Aunt feels at the moment, three of her brothers have passed away.

-David M.

The Funeral...

The Wake and the Service occurred during the events of the last two days. As abrupt as the date was chosen for the wake and the service, was abrupt as the events in itself. Coordination was poor, and again I question my criticality on people. As the wake started at 2PM yesterday, a couple tears shed in the family and we sat down. Waiting for visitors, they were far between.

A few things (and I'll just keep it to a few), My mom and my aunts have no idea on what to do during a funeral. The bratty granddaughter still a brat during the whole event; is it so hard to not run around the whole funeral home when your grandfather is dead?

Today, during the service I have never seen so much chaos in organizing as I did today. My aunts didn't know exactly what they were doing, so did my mother. Organizing the service to happen around 9-11, and having a luncheon around 4:30? Traditionally, from what I learned today, is you give a red envelope to those who attended to the service during the meal following...however the meal was a good 4 hours between the service, and by that time they would have eaten or gotten on with the rest of the day. On the way back from the service, there was also a lack of directions given to the people attending. Apparently, people were suppose to stop by the home, but a lot of people did not know where to go.

Evidence being, one person would say something, and another would say something else. Confusion pursues...I know such an event usually consists of a lot of silence, but in the end there was nothing, but noise. I would describe my mother and aunts as being a bunch of headless chickens, because they were wandering aimlessly. I was not the only one that was frustrated with the arrangements, all the in-laws were too.

Over the course of the last two days, I have been reviewing actions of certain members of the family (mainly my generation), and they seem to not have put much thought into the magnitude of such a day. Maybe, I have been to hard on myself, and on others I really don't know.

This closes another chapter in my life, I hope that I can find a better footing in my own life now.

-David M.

The Dead Stay Dead, The Living Stay Living

After roughly 3 months, my grandfather finally kicked the bucket at roughly 7:30 tonight. At this point, I really don't know what to think. All this bottled frustration, anger, and a little bit of anxiety went somewhere when I received the phone call.

However, the linger thought of antagonizing this whole situation has left a strange after taste. Am I just an ass to them throughout this whole process? At one time I confine a lot of my energy to my mother side, strangely because my father's side was more critical of me. Over the years (or even just one), I became over critically of them, and that energy went sour; maybe I still bear some ill feelings towards them. I still harbor some of these feelings, even when my grandfather was sitting in the nursing home, they still find the appetite to play mahjong; which I still consider the reason they overlooked countless diagnosis. When, I arrived at the nursing home to see him off, they tried to lighten the mood, by suggesting on buying lotto ticket. Greed, is their vice, I really can't fathom their want for money.

However, I did not expect one of my cousin to cry or at least tear; I presumed from looking at her eyes. Also, the little brat of the cousin even pulled my grandma to the side, probably to say something to comfort her. All, I did was stood there and probably looked like I was antagonizing this situation.

Well, what has happened has happened, and those that are still here need to learn from this in some way or the other. I however, feel that I haven't done much in this situation, I probably came out a worse person after this.

-David M.

The Time Is Nearing...

So, I guess is about time. Seems, like my grandfather is about to go, or so the nurse explained to me as I went to visit him today. He has definitely thinned down to what he use to be. You can see it through the muscles around his eyes, I'm wondering if the reddening is where a vessel popped. I guess, this is something that can't be avoided. I was assuming it was going to be a longer process, but who's to say a quarter year is not long. I guess, my prediction of March being a shitty month is true; what can I say I'm clairvoyant.

As I was there again in the evening. I still feel a great indifference in this matter. As a couple of my aunts were crying, I couldn't really feel any sort of sadness for them. Though, the only sad thought that cross my mind was when my grandmother started crying. I can only imagine when the day comes, she will be by herself, I think that is the only sad situation in that matter. I really can't imagine being sad when the day comes, more of a scenario of paying my respects.

I do not know why a couple of my cousins are afraid of getting near him, a dying person. I told them, is just a person, and I was dragged right next to him shortly after, and she told me, "you do it." All I said, "I did, when my grandfather died, there isn't a difference now." and I sat there. Not much to it, I did not say anything to him; didn't have anything to say. Did not had anything to say to my paternal grandfather either at the time. I do not see the fear in being by someone that was dying.

I guess the saying, "Any day now." Has some weight to them.

-David M.

Things Break

I've been placing much thoughts on the things that have been happening around me lately. Lately, the things that have been breaking. On Tuesday, the day my grandfather was admitted, the Korean drum attachment Jeungyoung gave me broke on the bus, and I lost all the pieces, I realized that when I entered the AA building. My desktop has been giving in a lot lately this week also. Something, else broke over the weekend, but I can't quite remember at the moment, but it wasn't as big. However, today was the probably the crippler factor, as I plug in my AC adapter, it shorted. Meaning, I can't work on my class work for the next 2-3 days. Luckily I manage to get the work done before hand, but it doesn't help. Is almost a bit poetic/symbolic the way things are going now.

So for the past week I've been debating about a lot of things on my mind. Simply, it's too clutter even for my own liking. As I learned today Asians like hoarding, me personally I don't like to bring garbage in, but I guess I like hoarding crap in my head; mainly a guilty conscious. My mind always takes notes of every little sentence I say, every gesture I do, and points out the negative with such scrutiny I have become shy to these thoughts. Today, I decided to clear up thoughts that have been cluttering my head for the longest time, so, only a few tackling issue will stay a float in my head as it is necessary with what is going on right now. It is a bit nerve racking to have thoughts held back for a long time, and finally decide to face them. Plus, I feel like my character, who I am as an individual is breaking to be blunt about it, and before I even lose touch with that part of myself, I feel like I need to make resolves.

I know, I'm not the one who is dying. Though, I feel like (as narcissistic as this could sound) I play normally play the protagonist in my life; maybe I'm secretly the antagonist and I don't even know it. I feel as of late I've been having very antagonizing thoughts. I don't know...it feels bad, odd, is out of my skin; perhaps it is my true colors. Though, it could be a way of cooping or dealing with what's at hand. Regardless, I don't like how I am feeling at the moment. Yet, at the same time I don't think it'll be easy going back. However, like a protagonist (being a comic geek) most people break only to rebuild themselves to be stronger people, better people; they become the actual protagonist. In my short life of living, I've been broken down at least 3 times (nothing of note, but I fallen down a couple times) and in those moments I managed to become a better person out of those experiences ala the one you all love and know now, ta-da. However, I feel like the events of late has broken me down a lot more than I normally have, and I'm tired of challenges. To be honest, I think I have gotten a lot to look forward to within the last year than I had my entire life, and I'm kind of scared to see in the end of this certain event what will I become out this. Right now, I'm not making much sense, probably wondering what I'm meandering about. I have not gotten crazy yet, though a lot of notable artists and authors had mental breakdowns in their college days; I'm not going to have that, so don't worry.

I'm seeing this as another sequence in which I'm going to grow out of as a different person. Hopefully, a better one.

On the note of antagonizing thoughts, I was never close to my grandparents. I've been recollecting. I known both of my grandparents, my paternal one showed much love to my cousin Eva, she was his favorite and as of now she still trying to grasp that lost and I feel a bit sorry for her. My maternal grandfather however, is a crazy nationalist, and he see us ABCs as nothing, but naive, and ignorant people compare to the Chinese. However, right now his Chinese grandchildren can't do jack shit for him, and I find that to be a strange karma. So, as of now I don't feel anything for him as he lays there probably scared out of his mind. Though, I am terrified at the thought that I can be so careless at the same time. Is it ok not to feel anything about someone that is dying in the family. I can think of what my family is going through and it hurts a little, but I don't think I'm going to cry (not because I'm manly either) is because I was never attached to my grandfather. Lately, I've been criticizing the family on the way they have been handling this situation, and I've been thinking I'm just being the antagonist here. I'm antagonizing myself.

-David M.

A Bit Too Young or Naive to Understand?

So, today I found out that my grandfather's only option now is to have surgery and have a tube inserted directly to his stomach. What seems like the logical next move, the family seems a bit hesitant to move forward. They tell me I'm too young to understand, but I really don't see it that way. They're afraid there will be complications with surgery or that due to his age, they believe he won't be able to make it. Here is where I found the family to be a bit naive, because from my understanding a doctor would always consider the patient's physical ability before performing open surgery. Right now, they're just playing their cards based off fear, which is probably the most ignorant thing once can do. If I was in his shoes I would much rather take the surgery over the possibility of starving to death. Yet, in the end they say I'm a bit naive or I'm too young to understand the matter. In the end, the only thing that is right about the situation is that the only one that should decide on his well being is his own children.

Though, today has sparked back some memories. The only 2 people in my family to die in my life time. One was my grandfather (paternal) was due to the fact that he decided to go back to the homeland and live in the backwater village he grew up in. Away from the U.S. where he could have been given proper medical treatment and probably still be alive now. I was 14 at the time and I was one of the few to have actually seen him before his passing 2 months later, all my family said was if he was still living in the U.S. he would had been in better shape. Second, was my cousin who died because of cancer at I believe at the age of 30 leaving behind her only daughter. Which leaves me to think I have a better opinion on the matter than my parents. I would remember how ignorant my parents would act when she would visit cause she had cancer, she would bring snacks over sometimes and just sit and talk with them. Shortly, after they left my mother would take the snacks and immediately dump them in the garbage can cause she believed cancer was contagious or at least something like karma. They can't seem to understand a lot of things, yet they know what is best. That doesn't make much sense does it? I really don't understand their logic, yet I'm also not in the same shoes as them. All I know is this is going to drag throughout the years, and is going to take a toll from me, regardless of my participation with their politics or not.

As much as I don't want this to be a weight/ an excuse for me to not be able to do certain things, it will be. I guess I have to go against the current.

-David M.

Miscommunication, Superstitution, Stupidity...The Whole Nine Yards

When I think things are clearing and school life comes butting is way back in. Family life comes back again once again. As I mentioned earlier before my grandfather has a tumor in his esophagus. Though, it causes it an issue, the doctor giving the diagnosis did not indicate the size of the tumor; is 6cm roughly 2.36 inches in which I did not find out till tonight. Now that would call for immediate attention.

As of now he has evasive cancer, and I simply do not know what that means. I thought as least my whole maternal side of the family knows. Apparently there has been a huge miscommunication on my grandfather's condition, and I blame their sense of communication or their attentiveness to the previous hospital stay. Though, the tumor issue I did not found out till 3 weeks ago. My family themselves did not want to do anything till after Chinese New Years, I think is all cause of bad mojo or whatever; Chinese traditionalist can be very superstitious. Regardless as such, my grandfather has been having a harder time ingesting. Which, leads to tonight's entry.

Though, I was aware of what was going on, I was not aware of the entirety of the situation. Regardless, of such I'd much rather have my head stuck in school than family at this point and time. However, I did contact the radiology doctor and they wanted to meet my doctor, as I consulted with my mother's side they thought it was best to do treatment after New Years. As it was going through my head, the doctor giving the diagnosis did not had a sense of urgency in his voice, which really did not cause me to be alarmed at first. Secondly, they wanted to consult with their primary physician whom I think is a complete quack. Which sums up to a wild goose chase, given that most of the paper work responsibility was left with my brother; which I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for this.

The last two days my grandfather wanted to be admitted, though he doesn't know how the hospital system works even after multiple explanation. They did not heed my suggestion of making appointments and they ended up waiting about 3 hours in the ER. They're still there now, I came home cause I got class at 9. Though, what troubled me was the knowledge the family had about my grandfather's condition. Apparently, bits and piece were misinterpreted and confusion grew. My cousin who was interpreting had no idea my grandfather had a tumor. In the end, I had to come in and the doctor was talking to me like an idiot for not scheduling appointments, what can I say? They wanted to do this after New Years, though I didn't know it was 6cm till he told me. If I knew I would had acted right upon hearing about it.

In summary, I dislike the medical system we have cause there was so much confusion going on between the week of Christmas and even now, in terms of his condition. My maternal side of the family lack any initiative and motivation. I'm probably half-heartedly as cold cause at this point I really don't care about this circus frenzy, I can't even think about what I'm doing at this point, let alone what I can do for people now.

-David M.

I Read People Too Well, or Just the Family

I was wondering why my normally lazy brother was working so hard these last two weeks. Though, I had it was a hunch it was probably a girl; it's always a girl. I was joking with my mother throughout the week about this.

In the last two days, he was given privileges to the car because I've been busy with school and I haven't been able to do any follow-ups for my grandfather besides the late afternoon one's which are very few. Besides the fact, he's been taking the car out for let's just say "joy rides" for a lack of a better word after he's done with whatever he does, and gets home around 3 in the morning. As concern parents go, they stay up and wait for him, and calling him in increments. When he arrives home, his only excuse is a dead battery on his phone; which seems to be the problem all the time.

So, last night while I was at Joyce's I get confirmation from my friend Lisa via text that my brother is out having dinner with a girl; I realize I have a spy network when I got the text, haha.

Being single for 20 years (going on 21) maybe I'm unable to relate with my brother, but I do not think a girl constitutes parents being worry about where their son; let alone an irresponsible one at that. Also, the fact that he abuses privileges given to him, in which my parents can easily revoke due to many broken trusts he has shown my parents. In my mind, is just really immature and irresponsible of him to take trust and use it for his own "gains". Though, I'm sure the frequent readers here don't know my brother as well and is a bit unprofessional to simply tell you to take my word on this. I just can't see how one can inflict such pain on those that unconditionally care for him, for someone he barely knows at all while filling her head with false stories only for it to eventually blow over.

-David M.

Sometimes I Wish I Was the Only One in my Life

Murphy's law state that, "When things can go wrong, it will go wrong."

I followed the saying religiously that I always have a plan B, plan C, plan D. There is nothing that I never leave unaccounted. However, sometimes things just happen, and there really isn't anything you can do about it; even if it is the dumbest shit. Though, is the dumbest shit that will get you angry over a failed plan; maybe I was just looking for a reason to explode.

However, there is no reason to justify my actions without narrating a story I guess. If you read earlier, my grandfather was in the hospital during Christmas; though it was nothing serious. Today, I was suppose to get his results from his stay in the hospitals, because hospitals like assigning people, doctors that will go on vacation the next week and make you wait 2 weeks later for the results. I scheduled an appointment at 4, however I just found out I scheduled the wrong type of appointment even though I specified I was setting an appointment for the results of his hospital stay; though this the reason I'm writing this up.

As soon as he got out the day after Christmas, so many concerns were being asked about results, even though I told them I won't know anything till the 13th; I hoped they kept this all in mind. Which leads us to today. Though, I was running really late today, though to the miscalculation of my class not ending early on the first session (a grave mistake on my part). I rush home, as fast as I could on the cta, and speed walking a slushy snow thinking the worse I could be is half an hour late, and I'm sure they're use to that. I quickly make it to my door dropped off my bag, and headed directly to the car. Funny thing was, the car WASN'T THERE!; no it was not jacked. I call my dad to see where the car was, and he said he gave the keys to my brother, saying he needs it for work; he works at fucking Joyee's in Chinatown and is less than a 20 minute walk. So, I called my brother and he doesn't answer his phone. I call my grandma telling her I can't take my grandfather for his results, and all she does was ask, what was I going to do? To answer the question, what could I do? I don't have a car to transport my grandfather anywhere there is no point. There is no point in going. My mom comes home only to see me chucking my phone into the snow; I don't know I just felt like it. Asking what was I doing..(insert explanation). As she picked up the phone, my brother calls, and I asked him why he needed the car today, and he said he needed to make a deposit, and then drive to work and all I can say was, "I'm sorry" I've heard so many apologies in my life to know which are sincere and which are not. Even, though I mentioned the 13th so many times, I guess nobody remembered actually.

Besides, there was no reason for my brother to go the bank. He went like 3 times this fucking week. If you don't have money, then save your pay. If you have money why not fucking get a time where you can put the most ample amount in just so you can put in all at once. The point is he doesn't give a shit about anyone, but himself. When he doesn't need anything from my parents he'll yell and lash out, but when he needs the keys or money, he'll act like an obedient dog. Though, he tried to make things write by getting out of work and driving my grandpa there, he still didn't get shit done. Only to have it pushed back to the 15th.

This is why sometimes I think I should just think about myself for once, there's too many people in my life to actually care anymore. I find it difficult to be actually care about a lot of things at this moment, and I'm really losing motivation to even do anything at this point; it's only the second day of school. I feel like this semester is going to be a downward spiral for me, and the only thing I can do is just bear it. Like everything else in my life. Looking back, too many people depend on me, and I really have no one in the end to depend on. In the end, the David people normally see, I think is just a facade because I write some really negative thoughts on here, and I'm usually seen as a more positive person. Though, I told many people this, though I might put on many mask, I only have one heart. I guess the literal suggestion I'm trying to get to is, though I might act differently towards certain people, I never do it in spite. I do it for their own well being; if that make sense at all.

Though, in the end there is too many people in my life I can't just set aside. Even family, as annoying, ignorant, and whatever responsibility that comes with it. It only makes me seem immature using them as an excuse for my life as well.

There is too much things I have to do for other people at the moment. I still haven't had time to buy my materials yet. Hell, tomorrow is going to snow like shit, and I need shit by Thursday. The world can just fuck me over for all I care at the moment.

I don't know if any of this jibberish makes sense...but I have other stuff to do.

-David M.

Merry Christmas?...True Colors

While yesterday (is not tomorrow till I wake up on the date of) was Christmas and was quite the interesting Christmas it was. Though, I think I've beaten the statement over people's head enough, but we aren't a very festive family, and we normally do anything colorful or whimsical. Though, I think yesterday was definitely the strangest Christmas to date.

As my grandfather spend his Christmas in the hospital with my grandma accompanying him. A couple short visits, but I find it interesting that my mother and her sisters were the most inclined about visiting. Two of my aunts did visit him shortly, but the others did not go. Though, it was the holidays they did had the time to visit oppose to the week, while they were working. However, they were at my grandma's playing mahjong and killing time until it was time to eat. I however, decided to stay home, and just relax, though I drove my father and my uncles to the hospital and did not get back till 3. Hardly anytime to soak in the day, I decided to not attend dinner with my mother's side and just eat dinner at home. My dad however, was home too and he spend the holidays playing scratch-its from the near by gas station. He spent at least $154 on losing tickets, apparently he won $200 at work, and he won back at least $150. It was a bit horrific to see how fast you can burn through the cash and how addicting it could be. I don't know why this Christmas has the strangest events thus far, but it was just a strange day altogether.

Christmas dinner was just left overs my dad brought home from work; left over lobsters is not one thing I think one can complain about.

Anyways, I think my father pointed out to his father-in-law, that it was kind of sad that none of his daughter has paid a visit or at least sit in with him for more than a hour; maybe because they have mahjong on their mind. Though, one of my aunt's supposedly proposed to sit-in while my grandma left, but it was a very disheartening thought as an old man laid on the hospital bed, and just looking out the window, while his wife sat on the couch. I can only imagine how he would feel. Though, I think my mother's family has a strange addiction with the game of mahjong that it has became mechanical and whenever they meet the table folds out. Is strange that my dad is slowly finding an addiction with scratch and wins. I mean we all have our vices, but I find it to be quite out of control.

Anyways, my gramps is out today, after sitting in the room for another 7 hours. I've started reading, House of Leaves I can definitely see why my English teacher thought my writing style is quite familiar to the story. I find the story to be a strange piece of writing as well as I can feel my sanity slip as I read it, is almost creepy.

-David M.

A Winter of Discontent...I'm a Crutch

So I finally got home, after a 15 hour ordeal, that stem at the origin of the hour 2am. As I was about to fall into slumber, my mother wakes me up to tell me to call an ambulance because my grandmother called from her home telling my mother my grandfather isn't feeling well. Of course I call (though skeptical of the severity and my undying hate for the ER), I go to the ER to meet with my grandparents and it turns out my grandfather has an ongoing problem with swallowing food (quite the dilemma that it require an ambulance at 2). Regardless, of the situation we went through the cycles, it took us almost 3 hours to get from the waiting room to the treatment room; there was a schizo. that was a bit entertaining, apparently he was checking himself in, in the ER for his schizophrenia.

As, we sat and waited in the treatment room (6 hour of no action); my patience wore thin. My dislike for the ER obviously went to a new level, as I hear small talk outside of the ER. Not having been able to sleep for the last 9 hours (I'm not counting dozing off in a chair as sleep), it got extremely irritating.

Prior to this untimely situations I made plans, or, at least I had a schedule I was following, which was drop my mom and aunts at work, wake my dad up, drop my brother off to work, pick up a letter at SSB for my mentee and ship it to him all the way in Taiwan, brunch, and along the way back I'll pick up my mom and my aunts. This completely shattered it, though I did take a small break from the ER just to obtain this letter and shipped it, I still didn't had time to rest because I still had to go back to the ER. When I got back they've already did the tests for my grandfather, apparently he has a mass in the path of his throat (though if it is cancerous or not, I'll find out tomorrow). Despite, that my expectation of a diagnosis of, "oh, everything is fine." flew out the window. Though, I guess having to wait almost 12 hours to find out going to the ER wasn't pointless did make it, for a lack of a better word, "worthwhile". Though, this stir some thoughts inside of me, and for the last couple of hours I sat in my grandfather's appointed room I thought to myself, how useless everyone around really is; no, I don't mean you, I mean my family.

My sole reason for being there was just to be an interpretor because no one in the family speaks English, and no the thought of concern grandson was not running through my head. Why? Shouldn't it be the first kind of reaction to have when a member of the family is hospitalized. No...In the midst of break, my day plans have been filled with a to-do list of things my mother side of the family has requested. I have become a crutch to my mother's side of the family, that I dread every single contact from them I get because everything is a "favor". When things wrong, "get David"; I've become a crutch. I use to be ecstatic about helping them, but in the end I felt a great emptiness enveloped in me as they only saw me as someone that can fix anything, and everything regardless of my time, and my plans. I'm just a benefit, to them. I know it sounds selfish, but I'm not looking for praise; I just wonder why I can't have a normal conversation to them anymore; and I only become this harsh loner in their eyes.

Anyways, to bring it back to the topic. After being in America for 3-4 years at least 3 of them have practical English skills that can be used, and all of them had their day off today. It bothered me to think, that they are also his grandchildren, yet none of them thought, "He's been in the ER for 9 hours, maybe I can switch out with him, so, he can get some sleep." One of the reason I think I've estranged myself socially from my mother's side is because of the superficiality I saw in them, when my cousin decided to tag along to the ER I did not see a reason why she should be there. On the other hand, if my paternal grandfather was alive and in this same situation, my paternal cousins would have taken turns to look after our grandfather. This deeply troubled me than the thought of me just being another tool/asset to them; they seem to simply not care.

I know this might sound emo, but emo just got a bad rep. due to people complaining about every aspect of their lives, and yes I'm complaining, but it's also a concern. This has been a recurring thought I've been having the last couple years, and the thought is, "what will they do without me?". This doesn't apply to my extended family, but my family. Having to drop and pick up my mom at work, sure is a sonly thing to do, but I also feel like a parent dropping kids off at school; complete role reversal. I wouldn't mind just helping my family out, but I have 5+ families on my shoulders to juggle, just because of language barrier. I feel like things will fall apart as soon as I leave, but that afterthought is what kind of keeps me grounded. Sometimes I feel like I should just let things fall apart and maybe I can find beauty in that disaster and maybe they can learn to build upon themselves. Though, this has been bugging me a lot, should I go off to pursue whatever expansive goals I choose to seek, or should I limit my horizons and make sure, my family doesn't get lost without me.

Though, I think I can kiss winter break good bye, as my grandfather is admitted, and I'm the only one "available". Thus, the winter of my discontent.

I'm tired, and I'm losing tracks on what's on my mind,

-David M.

Cold, Heartless, Closed: Things That I'm Not

Sometimes, I feel like I play a dual persona. I don't think much people see me in the sense that I could be remotely cold or heartless. Though, I feel like there is part of me that I keep away from a lot of people, knowing that side of me can scare off a lot of people in my life. Though, am I saying this cold and heartless self of me, the real me, no it isn't.

Than why can I be so cold and heartless at times, and I only can conceive one answer, it's family. Not that I hate my family, I find that so many things they did for me I can never repay them in anyway and for that I'm grateful. My father has always been a cold person, or at least the most unexpressive person I've ever met. (I know this is going to sound like a, "daddy never played with me as kid" rant) He never acknowledged me for any little goal I accomplished, but I'll be honest I wasn't that outgoing of a kid as I am now, so, I assume a lot of things weren't warrant for phrasing. Though, I am grateful for my dad, because he really cared for my well-being in his own strange way. Though, he always seem more favorable to my little brother, it didn't really bothered me cause I think that was what fueled me as a child, and this is where I am because of that. However, I can't help, but feel a little sadden for my dad. As much effort and "love" he showed my brother, my brother grew up to be an ungrateful ingrate to my father and mother. Though, I know my father would do the same for me, I've never pushed the envelope and whatever is thrown my way, I simply learn to appreciate; appreciate the few things I still have in my life.

What sparks these thoughts? While, these are common thoughts I usually have. Though, last night, it really urked me cause my ungrateful brother decided to go to the gym at 3am in the morning, and my parents advised him not to go, as much as I want to write out the logic my brother had in the argument this entry will be a completel LOL blog. Though, he touch upon the topic my parents never did shit for him. Yet he fail to realize there is a roof over his head, food on the table, since he's working my parents still hasn't asked him to pay for rent. Not to overlook the fact my parents paid for his credit card bills two or three times, and with the promise of paying them back eventually and eventually hasn't arrived yet. Also, when a few hundred dollars that disappear out of the house once in a while. My parents are very tolerant people, I don't see any reason why they should be at this age. They've given him so much yet to him they've given him shit. I by all means do not care what happens to my brother, sometimes reality have to curb stomp you in order for you to come to your senses. As stubborn as he could be, he has no drive to go through with it. As I was trying to sleep, I did appreciate one thing my mom said about me, and that was that I had a stronger will than my brother's and is something that he'll never obtain. I'm grateful for that line because I've always thought people thought I was silly when I try to do things the hard way.

So why, do I treat my family so coldly? I'm grateful for my parents, but in this point of my life I feel like I have to take the mantle and execute my will upon them. Be the parent, and tell them to take action because if I was in my brother's shoes I would be ashamed of myself, that I only work 2 days out of the week, and the rest of my days I spend sitting at home. I feel like I have to be the ass, the force to be reckon with at home, in order to get people to listen. Being soft spoken and well manner may work with some people, but it doesn't seem to work with my family. So, is this another persona of mine, am I some two-face person that just hates my family, and secretly open my heart to outsiders? No, I believe I give everyone my true heart, though wrapped in a different type shell. Like donuts with a different outer shell, but the same type of filling.

Is always during the break, I realize how strong of a dislike I have for my brother. Though, do I just hate him out of pure sibling rivalry. No, I really want to make amends as a brother, but you know is hard, to try to be on the same level as you even if it is family if they're core beliefs are different from mines. I do not believe in lying and cheating. I do not believe materialistic things make me a better person, and I definitely do not see using people whenever it is convenient and treat the like trash the next moment. So, as of now I hate my brother, but I'm open to help him when he learns the wrongs of his way. In case you're wondering, "why don't you talk some sense into your brother?" I realize, I'm not the one that can get to him, someone else has to reach him.

A conversation I had with a friend, a couple days ago she asked me, "Are you going to look after your brother?", My obvious answer was, no, but if he does change I'll be happy to back him, as a brother. Though, as of now, "no". I already carry this guilt that I'm a terrible brother because I treat my brother like shit, is not the brotherly thing to do, but at the same time he keeps hurting my parents which is something I can't easily overlook as family. The funny thing was during the arguments with my parents he brings up the fact that he tries to be nice to me, but I'm unaccepting of his kindness. I lept straight out of bed to tell him off, "after all the shit you did to this family, it'll take more than a week or a days worth of "kindness" to right his wrongs. Though, it might be harsh, but it is a bit unforgiving of me. As I describe to him in a metaphor, "trust is like credit, you can't simply pay one payment and expect everything to be ok."

I'm perplexed. Whoever reads this, probably think I'm so emo nutjob, but I have nothing to hide. If you can find this than by all means, as a friend you just learned a little bit of me.

-David M.