Things Break

I've been placing much thoughts on the things that have been happening around me lately. Lately, the things that have been breaking. On Tuesday, the day my grandfather was admitted, the Korean drum attachment Jeungyoung gave me broke on the bus, and I lost all the pieces, I realized that when I entered the AA building. My desktop has been giving in a lot lately this week also. Something, else broke over the weekend, but I can't quite remember at the moment, but it wasn't as big. However, today was the probably the crippler factor, as I plug in my AC adapter, it shorted. Meaning, I can't work on my class work for the next 2-3 days. Luckily I manage to get the work done before hand, but it doesn't help. Is almost a bit poetic/symbolic the way things are going now.

So for the past week I've been debating about a lot of things on my mind. Simply, it's too clutter even for my own liking. As I learned today Asians like hoarding, me personally I don't like to bring garbage in, but I guess I like hoarding crap in my head; mainly a guilty conscious. My mind always takes notes of every little sentence I say, every gesture I do, and points out the negative with such scrutiny I have become shy to these thoughts. Today, I decided to clear up thoughts that have been cluttering my head for the longest time, so, only a few tackling issue will stay a float in my head as it is necessary with what is going on right now. It is a bit nerve racking to have thoughts held back for a long time, and finally decide to face them. Plus, I feel like my character, who I am as an individual is breaking to be blunt about it, and before I even lose touch with that part of myself, I feel like I need to make resolves.

I know, I'm not the one who is dying. Though, I feel like (as narcissistic as this could sound) I play normally play the protagonist in my life; maybe I'm secretly the antagonist and I don't even know it. I feel as of late I've been having very antagonizing thoughts. I don't know...it feels bad, odd, is out of my skin; perhaps it is my true colors. Though, it could be a way of cooping or dealing with what's at hand. Regardless, I don't like how I am feeling at the moment. Yet, at the same time I don't think it'll be easy going back. However, like a protagonist (being a comic geek) most people break only to rebuild themselves to be stronger people, better people; they become the actual protagonist. In my short life of living, I've been broken down at least 3 times (nothing of note, but I fallen down a couple times) and in those moments I managed to become a better person out of those experiences ala the one you all love and know now, ta-da. However, I feel like the events of late has broken me down a lot more than I normally have, and I'm tired of challenges. To be honest, I think I have gotten a lot to look forward to within the last year than I had my entire life, and I'm kind of scared to see in the end of this certain event what will I become out this. Right now, I'm not making much sense, probably wondering what I'm meandering about. I have not gotten crazy yet, though a lot of notable artists and authors had mental breakdowns in their college days; I'm not going to have that, so don't worry.

I'm seeing this as another sequence in which I'm going to grow out of as a different person. Hopefully, a better one.

On the note of antagonizing thoughts, I was never close to my grandparents. I've been recollecting. I known both of my grandparents, my paternal one showed much love to my cousin Eva, she was his favorite and as of now she still trying to grasp that lost and I feel a bit sorry for her. My maternal grandfather however, is a crazy nationalist, and he see us ABCs as nothing, but naive, and ignorant people compare to the Chinese. However, right now his Chinese grandchildren can't do jack shit for him, and I find that to be a strange karma. So, as of now I don't feel anything for him as he lays there probably scared out of his mind. Though, I am terrified at the thought that I can be so careless at the same time. Is it ok not to feel anything about someone that is dying in the family. I can think of what my family is going through and it hurts a little, but I don't think I'm going to cry (not because I'm manly either) is because I was never attached to my grandfather. Lately, I've been criticizing the family on the way they have been handling this situation, and I've been thinking I'm just being the antagonist here. I'm antagonizing myself.

-David M.