Monday, March 30, 2009

The Dead Stay Dead, The Living Stay Living

After roughly 3 months, my grandfather finally kicked the bucket at roughly 7:30 tonight. At this point, I really don't know what to think. All this bottled frustration, anger, and a little bit of anxiety went somewhere when I received the phone call.

However, the linger thought of antagonizing this whole situation has left a strange after taste. Am I just an ass to them throughout this whole process? At one time I confine a lot of my energy to my mother side, strangely because my father's side was more critical of me. Over the years (or even just one), I became over critically of them, and that energy went sour; maybe I still bear some ill feelings towards them. I still harbor some of these feelings, even when my grandfather was sitting in the nursing home, they still find the appetite to play mahjong; which I still consider the reason they overlooked countless diagnosis. When, I arrived at the nursing home to see him off, they tried to lighten the mood, by suggesting on buying lotto ticket. Greed, is their vice, I really can't fathom their want for money.

However, I did not expect one of my cousin to cry or at least tear; I presumed from looking at her eyes. Also, the little brat of the cousin even pulled my grandma to the side, probably to say something to comfort her. All, I did was stood there and probably looked like I was antagonizing this situation.

Well, what has happened has happened, and those that are still here need to learn from this in some way or the other. I however, feel that I haven't done much in this situation, I probably came out a worse person after this.

-David M.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Spring Break: Sum It Up

I would be lying if I didn't had fun during break, but lets just say they were instances, oppose to something more solid or continual. I did had some R&R days, but I spent most of break being "productive", though being productive doesn't necessarily mean you'll be where you want to be.

Friday: History of Design canceled, went to school to paint; could not get into it. After my communications class, I wandered. Ended up being recorded for a "You're watching WTTW Chicago, Channel 11!" I forgot what those things are called (is at the tip of my tongue). Continued wandering, only to meet acquaintances of a friend; they were interesting to say the least. Got home, played Resident Evil with some friends till late.

Saturday: Beated Resident Evil; had to get it out of the way. Ended Spring Break there (kind of).

Sunday: Starting on work, started on tutorials for my 3D modeling class. Wish she just gave us time to work on our final project instead; guess it wasn't her style. Richard stopped by, productivity ended. At least I manage to finish the tutorial. Did not get to reading up on tutorials on facebook API.

Monday: Went to renew license, I liked my new picture it looks normal to say the least; Carla thinks I look like a stoner, or at least someone that is up to new good. Dislike the new cards. Afterwards, pissed away $30 bucks on painting materials. Spent 4 hours painting. Actually, got a lot of work done (I guess walking away from projects and coming back to it does help). Spent the evening playing with Vinh on Resident Evil for the remainder of the night, actually throughout the week we played Resident Evil from 10-1.

Tuesday: Semi-break, Semi-work. Headed towards the MCA to see Buckminster Fuller exhibit, amongst other exhibits; killed two birds with one stone. Went to lunch shortly after at a Hot Dog place, was ok. Friends find Design friends to be interesting; glad that they weren't stereotypical art kids or hipsters. Went back on campus with the assistance of Brandon and Rachel recorded my motion data. Now James can stop bugging me about it. Afterwards, stop by AARCC to brainstorm ideas for AARCC/AAMP drama with Brandon and Rachel. Don't know if it was productive or not. Hopefully, a script will be written and some footage shot. Here's to hoping.

Wednesday: Back to painting. Started at 10. Aaron and Ramon were present, discovered Phoenix through the painting session; new albums added to iPod. Took a short lunch break, seems Aaron and Ramon has dreams about each other that are basketball related. Onions in gyro seem to be really strong, felt dehydrated afterwards, throat pain followed the next day. They left at 4; quitters. I was close completion, decided to finish. I actually finished; joy ensued.

Thursday: Went to the lake around 9 with Teng, did some jogging; jogging well half awake is a bit hard. Started on working on my male character which I started; mainly touch up work. Started on the ear, and fixing details. Shortly, into the afternoon Teng and Simon stopped by. Later, Wayne then Danny. A little childhood friends reunion occurred. At 4:30 made way down to Art Institute, Teng and Simon decided to come along. Teng had to make it a guy thing and started counting girls he found attractive. My response, "..."

Friday: Finished a lot of details for my first character. Not satisfied at point of progress. Was planning to model out all characters and redo the scene. Only one character complete at this point; well sort of. Watched Slumdog Millionaire in the evening later on. Half-way in I get a phone call from the nurse at the nursing home, my grandfather is declining; could be any day now, any day has been the term for the last 3 months going on 4.

Saturday: Working on 3D modeling stuff. Went to see grandfather, seems like he's about to go. Will he?

Sunday: Started to update my scene file. Nurse calls again, telling me my grandfather is "changing". I guess the urgency of this whole situation is about to come into fruition.

I don't know what to say about this Spring Break. It had is moment, it has been the most productive one to say the least. No matter, how much work I put in can't expect miracles to happen. Will my grandfather go this week? I wrote that he was about to go 2 weeks ago, but he seem to recovered, but now he's back in the same situation...

Four more weeks, I wonder how this will all end. March was a bad month. I'm not looking for April.

-David M.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Time Is Nearing...

So, I guess is about time. Seems, like my grandfather is about to go, or so the nurse explained to me as I went to visit him today. He has definitely thinned down to what he use to be. You can see it through the muscles around his eyes, I'm wondering if the reddening is where a vessel popped. I guess, this is something that can't be avoided. I was assuming it was going to be a longer process, but who's to say a quarter year is not long. I guess, my prediction of March being a shitty month is true; what can I say I'm clairvoyant.

As I was there again in the evening. I still feel a great indifference in this matter. As a couple of my aunts were crying, I couldn't really feel any sort of sadness for them. Though, the only sad thought that cross my mind was when my grandmother started crying. I can only imagine when the day comes, she will be by herself, I think that is the only sad situation in that matter. I really can't imagine being sad when the day comes, more of a scenario of paying my respects.

I do not know why a couple of my cousins are afraid of getting near him, a dying person. I told them, is just a person, and I was dragged right next to him shortly after, and she told me, "you do it." All I said, "I did, when my grandfather died, there isn't a difference now." and I sat there. Not much to it, I did not say anything to him; didn't have anything to say. Did not had anything to say to my paternal grandfather either at the time. I do not see the fear in being by someone that was dying.

I guess the saying, "Any day now." Has some weight to them.

-David M.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

A Full 8 Bus at 8 P.M.

I painted for roughly 5 hours today, I left the building around 7:30-7:35, the guy that usually paints when I'm painting bid me farewell, though I didn't know him; he was in another class. Looking at the frame of the canvas, I found out his last name was Ferrari; interesting name.

I got to bus stop around 7:45. Not a bus in sight. Pacing back and forth, backwards and forwards at the bus stop. Slight hums, to keep the environment a bit lively. The streets are sparse, the people heading north was quite a crowd; were they a group? or they 8 hasn't cross yet. Someone else joined me; both minding our own business. Time was traveling slow as well.

A group heading north decided to whistle for taxi, though they passed as they saw the northbound 8 coming.

8:00. The 8 is on the horizon. Usually, the bus sits at the Harrison stop for a few minutes before continuing the route. It briskly made its way across the street. I was surprised. The bus, was not filled, to the brim, but the seats were filled, and standees were coming up to the Chicago Card device. I wonder why there was so many people on the 8 at 8 on a Saturday (sorry, the 8 combo broke).

Nothing, really interesting happened there after, though a small observation I noticed on the bus was, a man that got on who was a bit "off", to say the least; did not recall where he got on. For starters, I assumed he did not pay the fare as he got on, as one of the passengers told him the driver is calling for you, and shortly after he put some coins in the slot. I moved towards the back, but did not take a seat, he quickly saw an open spot and went towards the back seat. The three people were talking behind me, not mind them much. I was too busy staring at a grown man playing Pokemon Fire Red on his DS. Shortly, after the man sat down apparently he was looking at the girl's shoes, he asked, "Where did you get those sneakers? they're nice." The girl responded, and all I heard was downtown. The bus stops, and some passengers got off, a row of seats were empty, he moves towards that row. Another woman approaches the exit. He juts his head out of the row and is looking down. I noticed, there was a tattoo of stars on her foot, was that what he was looking at? He recedes back to his seats, and juts his head out again. The action confirms his interests in the tattooed foot. Did this man had a foot fetish? I assumed he did.

Shortly, after I arrived on 26th, and like routine I walked home. Filling my head with a fictional narrative, as I walked the lit streets of Bridgeport. Sometimes, an imagination is what keeps a walk enjoyable.

-David M.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

10 pm, Can the Day Get Any Worse?

I guess this is part 2 of my wonderful day (not going to justify it with italics or quotations). My dad gets back, I tell him about the flat. He gets mad that I drove on flat saying I'll probably ruin the axle. We go out to change the spare.

As we were changing the spare, the shitty jack made it almost impossible to raise the car, but we did, eventually. During that process, as my dad had it about yay high, the strong winds blew the car and all our efforts went in vain. Asking my mom to call my cousin (the useless one) to see if he had an extra jack; since he's in to cars he might have a better one than the stock. During the process we finished changing the tire before he even got to us. So, he stood around and watch. A couple minutes later, a couple of undercover cops comes up behind him, and asking him question. I was a bit startled at first cause I didn't see their vest at first. Then I knew what the gig was.

Back Story [Start]
A couple years back he was caught with possession of ecstasy pills.
Back Story [End]

I guess, they still keep tabs on you after an altercation like that. In the back of my mind, I was hoping he didn't had anything on him; not that I really care what he does, but I wasn't planning on going down to the police station tonight either, so he better not have anything on him; fortunately he didn't.

The scene in which they arrived at wasn't the best scene to look at either. A group of Asians outside (My dad, my brother, my neighbor, and me) changing a tire, could have easily been seen as a big misunderstanding. Luckily, they didn't give us too much sass, but they were some arrogant cops. Given this whole week of, "I hate the police" talk I had with a couple friends this week. I'm starting to feel the same.

Also, on a minor note, I found a dent on the frame on top of the left tire; pissed about that too. Never ever getting a new car, too much worries about dents and scratches.

All I know is things are only going to get worse before it gets better All I have to say is I'm probably going to be in the red zone before, I go back to green.

-David M.

Fuck March, Fuck My Life

When given lemons, you make lemonade. What do you do with shit? Nothing! Is bad enough to have my grandfather in a nursing home. I have to drive the family back forth every day. No point in my cousin coming back from China, cause he's occasionally available. He's either out shopping or hanging out, given that he doesn't have a job and the only other person that can drive he's not manning up for it. Though this has been an ongoing issue is besides the point.

March has started off pretty shitty, not gonna talk about why, but I haven't had a good day in March since. Deadlines, school on the weekend, staying late for more than 3 consecutive days, even though I should be home by 6, so, I can drive them to and fro cause my cousin is no where to be found, the need to study for my history of design midterm that I have yet to start yet; test on Friday. The only nice thing I have to say is the weather hasn't been half bad. Just my luck, I get a flat going over a fucking pothole for what cause I have to pick up my family. I don't see any urgency to see my grandfather everyday, I have work to get done, I have my own life to get on with. I don't know about them, but I need to spend my hours being productive. As soon as I arrive at the nursing home, I get a call from my aunt telling me my grandfather has a fever and I should come up, my response, I have a fucking flat, you come down, I don't have time for this. Yes, I knew what I said was irresponsible, immature, but what else is there to say? The nurses will know he has a fever, they'll deal with it, is not like I can go up there and make things better. If I can make things better, I would have a long time ago. I'm no super man, I don't know if the way I've been acting could even be deemed as being "man". I'm sick of this, I'm sick of a lot shit lately. I'm going back to being temperamental, I'm not looking forward to this dive I'm going to take, but I'm probably going there.

-David M.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

On the Way Home

I left ADH today roughly around 7:30. As I was crossing the Harrison blue line stop, I see the 8 going off. Usually, it annoys me that I missed the bus, but with weather like this is hard to be annoyed. As I finally, reached the stop I see the bus breaching the horizon; see life's not so bad. Before you think the post goes downwards from here, it doesn't.

I got on the bus, and first thing I noticed is probably the most well dressed bloke I've seen in a while. It was so unreal I even have to look where I was putting in my uPass (is second nature to me). The man was probably in his late 50s, dressed in a nice stripped suit and a fedora to boot (it had feathers on the side), a wide red tie with a golden tie clip on a chain. The way his posture was, it seem like he was a mannequin, he was real; I decided to sit next to the man to observe him more closely. It was eerie, his eyes did not glance away from the window at all. Think the reason, I was interested was the fact that it seem so out of place, to say the least. He would seldomly do the gesture that one would do after a prayer (I don't know what that gesture is called) as he looks at his reflection. I think that made the bus ride more interesting.

As the bus was strolling along I realize Gourmet Clothing is no longer in business, at least from the assumption that THERE was nothing in there. I guess the economy is getting worse.

The bus moves towards University Village, the bus comes to a halt as someone is getting off. I see a couple sitting at the bus stop bench. They get up and hug, I assume one of them is going to get on the bus. Then the hug, becomes a kiss; things seemed emotional. The bus continues moving, they're oblivious; maybe their intention wasn't to get on the bus in the first place. Why would you sit at the bus stop if you weren't getting on the bus? That was the only line of thought I had.

I arrived at Halsted Orange line station, luckily the 44 was there. I got on the bus, the bus driver was being extremely friendly to the lady getting on before me. I didn't hear what they were saying as I had my earphones on. The bus got moving shortly after, probably because it was running late, 3 passengers on the bus. Heading east on Archer the streets seemed quiet and distance; a dystopia as a friend would describe my neighbor hood. The viaducts beneath the trains seems like a gate to a much grittier place. We swing onto 26th. I see the other 44 bus turning; suspicions corrected. The drivers greeted each other with a wave, our driver was more than enthusiastic. I reached my destination, the driver said, "Have a good night." I replied with,"Have a good one,"

The voice of the post changed completely. I wonder why? Anyways, I haven't been this observant on the way home for a while. It was kind of fun, for lack of a better word.

***Wished I took the bike out for a "walk" today, but would have probably been hit due to the time of day.

-David M.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The World at Large Seems so Small

I don't know if this quote exists, but this thought was what I was tinkering with all day.

I don't know why things come so well to me after a nice hot shower, but these were the lines I was playing with.

"The world seems so small, when you're able to see it at large." (or "as a whole"(?)).

I'm glad it came out the way it did.

Also, another quote I coined yesterday in class was,
"Never act upon something that has already been performed."

This one might need some tinkering as well.

-David M.

"Take Out His Eyes"

For the last couple weeks, I've been having strange sequences of images/dreams. Mostly involving my left eye. I don't know why, it's taken me so long to come up here to write about it, but I feel like now that I have the time, I should. The sequence goes, as such, I'm being held down as someone comes forward and plucks out my left eye.

Though, the eye isn't the only type of graphical image I see playing in my mind. I feel, I don't know what exactly what I'm feeling. Though, I have the same sequence play, but instead of removal of the eye, is removal of a wooden mask, I'm too lazy to sketch out from memory. Though, I was sketching eyes the last week, it almost carried a humanistic trait as I drew the nerve. The eye is looking at the nerve, like its own hand; self-realization.

I know is dumb that I consulted these graphic meanings with a dream dictionary, but it seems like it revolves around a couple of things.

Eyes - To dream that your eyes are injured or closed, suggests your refusal to see the truth about something or the avoidance of intimacy. You may be expressing feelings of hurt, pain or sympathy.

The left eye is symbolic of the moon, while the right eye represents the sun.

Masks: To dream that you are wearing a mask, signifies temporary trouble due to some misunderstanding and misinterpretation of your actions and conduct. Alternatively, you may be pretending to be someone you are not. Or you are trying to hide your true feelings. If you have trouble taking off your mask, then it suggests that your true self is lost or blurred.


Avoidance, refusal to see, misunderstanding, self-identification?

I don't know. Am I really avoiding something? Is there something I'm not wanting to see? I think I've been dealing with the issue of misunderstanding long before these repetitive sleep patterns and day dream images. Self-identification, am I really who I am, I for one believe I'm a person with nothing to hide, so, I wonder why am I seeing myself in a mask?

Hmmmm...I guess I have to sit on it, at best sleep it off.

-David M.