Cold, Heartless, Closed: Things That I'm Not

Sometimes, I feel like I play a dual persona. I don't think much people see me in the sense that I could be remotely cold or heartless. Though, I feel like there is part of me that I keep away from a lot of people, knowing that side of me can scare off a lot of people in my life. Though, am I saying this cold and heartless self of me, the real me, no it isn't.

Than why can I be so cold and heartless at times, and I only can conceive one answer, it's family. Not that I hate my family, I find that so many things they did for me I can never repay them in anyway and for that I'm grateful. My father has always been a cold person, or at least the most unexpressive person I've ever met. (I know this is going to sound like a, "daddy never played with me as kid" rant) He never acknowledged me for any little goal I accomplished, but I'll be honest I wasn't that outgoing of a kid as I am now, so, I assume a lot of things weren't warrant for phrasing. Though, I am grateful for my dad, because he really cared for my well-being in his own strange way. Though, he always seem more favorable to my little brother, it didn't really bothered me cause I think that was what fueled me as a child, and this is where I am because of that. However, I can't help, but feel a little sadden for my dad. As much effort and "love" he showed my brother, my brother grew up to be an ungrateful ingrate to my father and mother. Though, I know my father would do the same for me, I've never pushed the envelope and whatever is thrown my way, I simply learn to appreciate; appreciate the few things I still have in my life.

What sparks these thoughts? While, these are common thoughts I usually have. Though, last night, it really urked me cause my ungrateful brother decided to go to the gym at 3am in the morning, and my parents advised him not to go, as much as I want to write out the logic my brother had in the argument this entry will be a completel LOL blog. Though, he touch upon the topic my parents never did shit for him. Yet he fail to realize there is a roof over his head, food on the table, since he's working my parents still hasn't asked him to pay for rent. Not to overlook the fact my parents paid for his credit card bills two or three times, and with the promise of paying them back eventually and eventually hasn't arrived yet. Also, when a few hundred dollars that disappear out of the house once in a while. My parents are very tolerant people, I don't see any reason why they should be at this age. They've given him so much yet to him they've given him shit. I by all means do not care what happens to my brother, sometimes reality have to curb stomp you in order for you to come to your senses. As stubborn as he could be, he has no drive to go through with it. As I was trying to sleep, I did appreciate one thing my mom said about me, and that was that I had a stronger will than my brother's and is something that he'll never obtain. I'm grateful for that line because I've always thought people thought I was silly when I try to do things the hard way.

So why, do I treat my family so coldly? I'm grateful for my parents, but in this point of my life I feel like I have to take the mantle and execute my will upon them. Be the parent, and tell them to take action because if I was in my brother's shoes I would be ashamed of myself, that I only work 2 days out of the week, and the rest of my days I spend sitting at home. I feel like I have to be the ass, the force to be reckon with at home, in order to get people to listen. Being soft spoken and well manner may work with some people, but it doesn't seem to work with my family. So, is this another persona of mine, am I some two-face person that just hates my family, and secretly open my heart to outsiders? No, I believe I give everyone my true heart, though wrapped in a different type shell. Like donuts with a different outer shell, but the same type of filling.

Is always during the break, I realize how strong of a dislike I have for my brother. Though, do I just hate him out of pure sibling rivalry. No, I really want to make amends as a brother, but you know is hard, to try to be on the same level as you even if it is family if they're core beliefs are different from mines. I do not believe in lying and cheating. I do not believe materialistic things make me a better person, and I definitely do not see using people whenever it is convenient and treat the like trash the next moment. So, as of now I hate my brother, but I'm open to help him when he learns the wrongs of his way. In case you're wondering, "why don't you talk some sense into your brother?" I realize, I'm not the one that can get to him, someone else has to reach him.

A conversation I had with a friend, a couple days ago she asked me, "Are you going to look after your brother?", My obvious answer was, no, but if he does change I'll be happy to back him, as a brother. Though, as of now, "no". I already carry this guilt that I'm a terrible brother because I treat my brother like shit, is not the brotherly thing to do, but at the same time he keeps hurting my parents which is something I can't easily overlook as family. The funny thing was during the arguments with my parents he brings up the fact that he tries to be nice to me, but I'm unaccepting of his kindness. I lept straight out of bed to tell him off, "after all the shit you did to this family, it'll take more than a week or a days worth of "kindness" to right his wrongs. Though, it might be harsh, but it is a bit unforgiving of me. As I describe to him in a metaphor, "trust is like credit, you can't simply pay one payment and expect everything to be ok."

I'm perplexed. Whoever reads this, probably think I'm so emo nutjob, but I have nothing to hide. If you can find this than by all means, as a friend you just learned a little bit of me.

-David M.