A Winter of Discontent...I'm a Crutch

So I finally got home, after a 15 hour ordeal, that stem at the origin of the hour 2am. As I was about to fall into slumber, my mother wakes me up to tell me to call an ambulance because my grandmother called from her home telling my mother my grandfather isn't feeling well. Of course I call (though skeptical of the severity and my undying hate for the ER), I go to the ER to meet with my grandparents and it turns out my grandfather has an ongoing problem with swallowing food (quite the dilemma that it require an ambulance at 2). Regardless, of the situation we went through the cycles, it took us almost 3 hours to get from the waiting room to the treatment room; there was a schizo. that was a bit entertaining, apparently he was checking himself in, in the ER for his schizophrenia.

As, we sat and waited in the treatment room (6 hour of no action); my patience wore thin. My dislike for the ER obviously went to a new level, as I hear small talk outside of the ER. Not having been able to sleep for the last 9 hours (I'm not counting dozing off in a chair as sleep), it got extremely irritating.

Prior to this untimely situations I made plans, or, at least I had a schedule I was following, which was drop my mom and aunts at work, wake my dad up, drop my brother off to work, pick up a letter at SSB for my mentee and ship it to him all the way in Taiwan, brunch, and along the way back I'll pick up my mom and my aunts. This completely shattered it, though I did take a small break from the ER just to obtain this letter and shipped it, I still didn't had time to rest because I still had to go back to the ER. When I got back they've already did the tests for my grandfather, apparently he has a mass in the path of his throat (though if it is cancerous or not, I'll find out tomorrow). Despite, that my expectation of a diagnosis of, "oh, everything is fine." flew out the window. Though, I guess having to wait almost 12 hours to find out going to the ER wasn't pointless did make it, for a lack of a better word, "worthwhile". Though, this stir some thoughts inside of me, and for the last couple of hours I sat in my grandfather's appointed room I thought to myself, how useless everyone around really is; no, I don't mean you, I mean my family.

My sole reason for being there was just to be an interpretor because no one in the family speaks English, and no the thought of concern grandson was not running through my head. Why? Shouldn't it be the first kind of reaction to have when a member of the family is hospitalized. No...In the midst of break, my day plans have been filled with a to-do list of things my mother side of the family has requested. I have become a crutch to my mother's side of the family, that I dread every single contact from them I get because everything is a "favor". When things wrong, "get David"; I've become a crutch. I use to be ecstatic about helping them, but in the end I felt a great emptiness enveloped in me as they only saw me as someone that can fix anything, and everything regardless of my time, and my plans. I'm just a benefit, to them. I know it sounds selfish, but I'm not looking for praise; I just wonder why I can't have a normal conversation to them anymore; and I only become this harsh loner in their eyes.

Anyways, to bring it back to the topic. After being in America for 3-4 years at least 3 of them have practical English skills that can be used, and all of them had their day off today. It bothered me to think, that they are also his grandchildren, yet none of them thought, "He's been in the ER for 9 hours, maybe I can switch out with him, so, he can get some sleep." One of the reason I think I've estranged myself socially from my mother's side is because of the superficiality I saw in them, when my cousin decided to tag along to the ER I did not see a reason why she should be there. On the other hand, if my paternal grandfather was alive and in this same situation, my paternal cousins would have taken turns to look after our grandfather. This deeply troubled me than the thought of me just being another tool/asset to them; they seem to simply not care.

I know this might sound emo, but emo just got a bad rep. due to people complaining about every aspect of their lives, and yes I'm complaining, but it's also a concern. This has been a recurring thought I've been having the last couple years, and the thought is, "what will they do without me?". This doesn't apply to my extended family, but my family. Having to drop and pick up my mom at work, sure is a sonly thing to do, but I also feel like a parent dropping kids off at school; complete role reversal. I wouldn't mind just helping my family out, but I have 5+ families on my shoulders to juggle, just because of language barrier. I feel like things will fall apart as soon as I leave, but that afterthought is what kind of keeps me grounded. Sometimes I feel like I should just let things fall apart and maybe I can find beauty in that disaster and maybe they can learn to build upon themselves. Though, this has been bugging me a lot, should I go off to pursue whatever expansive goals I choose to seek, or should I limit my horizons and make sure, my family doesn't get lost without me.

Though, I think I can kiss winter break good bye, as my grandfather is admitted, and I'm the only one "available". Thus, the winter of my discontent.

I'm tired, and I'm losing tracks on what's on my mind,

-David M.